Firstly, as if you’d want to share your chocolate with anyone but you get what I mean! Bank holidays are a little easier than the festive holidays as these are the ones we’re just meant to get so pissed we can’t remember them right? Well, that used to be the case anyway.
On to the subject in hand anyway; free dating sites. In previous blogs I’ve warbled on about the lack of quality eye candy available on these sites but hadn’t yet been brave enough to sign up to one and speak to any of these lovely people. In agreement with a male friend of mine, we both signed up, created our profiles and approving each others, set about our task of finding someone who would be at least some of the following;
1. Relatively attractive.
2. Able to use the English language properly.
3. Not awaiting a court appearance.
4. All of their marbles present.
5. Someone we might want to meet in real life.
Not a particularly difficult challenge we thought. Seeing as there were 100s of people signed up we thought the odds would be steeped in our favour. Oh how wrong we could be.
Here’s some stats for you.
I have been signed up for just over one week. In that space of time I have had 237 men contact me (I am not trying to be big headed here) and out of those 237 I have almost had to force myself to reply to 4 in the name of research.
FOUR.
Out of TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN.
That is 1.69% of men out there that are even worth replying to.
Shall I stop bothering to shave my legs now then yeah?
My male counterpart has had about as much luck. He has received the awesome sum of ZERO. That’s nothing, not even a bite. He’s a good looking lad, he’s funny, dresses well, sociable and can even spell. If he’d message me I would have proposed marriage after the barrage of utter ludicrous non sense from his predecessors.
Neither of us were being extremely picky, it was an experiment after all, we weren’t looking for our life long partners (although that would have been a decent result) but we’d signed up to prove a point that the world is changing and we are all courting online. Massive failure.
The four chaps I’ve been chatting with have been interesting, although four has now become two after one asked me to join him for a threesome about ten messages in and the other asked me if I took it up the arse. Not quite pre-first-date chit chat if you ask me.
Out of the remaining two, one of them turned out to know people I did and I’m still unconvinced if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He was on my wave length, good looking but unfortunately still into necking a load of pharmaceutical products and not sleeping for days, so I doubt he’d be wanting to join me on a jaunt to the garden centre at the weekend. Shame though because he was almost funny.
The other chap is really good at banter, even managing to deal with my brutally sarcastic nature. He’s educated, doesn’t use text speak and even has a MacBook (don’t think I could date a PC user ha!) He manages to keep the conversation flowing and has things to say that don’t have me recoiling into the fetal position in sheer horror .
One thing though, he did give me his phone number and asked me to text him after only a day of messaging. This seemed extremely eager to me or am I being a prude? I’ve not text him I’d like to add, I’m not even completely persuaded I want to see him yet. What happens if he’s a human version of Shrek? There’s only one picture of him on this site, is that suspicious?
Back to the plight of my male compadre. From the amount of messages I’ve received and I’m not blonde, big boobed or look like a porn star (on a good day) I’m guessing the girls that do have these attributes are getting well in excess of 300 messages a week. How is it possible for the good guys to stand out from the rest of the muppets?
We are still in the process of working this out, tinkering with his opening lines, adapting his profile and revisiting which pictures to upload. Determined to crack this we’ve so far reached these conclusions;
1. You need a better opening line than “hi, how are you?” or worse still “hi ow R u?”
2. You need to show you’ve taken a second to actually read their profile rather than just stare at their tits (even if you have).
3. Your pictures need to be clear, you need to look buff and you can’t look cheesy.
4. Comedy works on some, on others it goes over their head. Again check profile for hints of their IQ.
5. Persistence it seems is the key. The site we’ve been on states that only 1 in 3 messages are read let alone replied to. It’s tough out there!!
This challenge continues and I’ll keep you updated with its progress and you never know we both might find someone who’s not a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
Failing that, we’ll go back to the good old real way of dating.
One woman, one man on an unconvinced journey through internet dating.
Oh crikey I almost forgot a highlight for me. I received a message from a 26 year old woman, attractive woman at that, in Walsall telling me she thought I was pretty. Thank you very much I said to her and repaid the compliment tentatively.
You can probably guess what’s coming next; I try to be polite, general chit chat then she brings up threesomes... here we go. So firstly “Am I into girls?” I reply that they aren’t really my thing, I’d dabbled as most ladies have but I’d prefer to stick to the meat and two veg. She doesn’t give up though, moves onto the tactic of trying to trip me into a dirty conversation that would make me so horny I’d turn kitty licker in an instant.
I’ve got to admit I was finding it flipping hilarious and probably wound her up a bit. That flew back in my face when she went into detail about a spit roast shit fest she’d had at the weekend. MY EYES!
Moral of the story there, don’t reply, quickly move to the block button and remain happily naive about the crazy ass bitches that divulge way too much information to strangers.
It’s going to put me off roast pork for months.
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