Dating sites...The bad and the down right ugly.

Now I am not about to give you an ultimate “how to” guide here because I’ve not properly used a dating site before. I usually log on to them, search through the men on offer and become throughly depressed that someone actually wants to make me pay to talk to these ugly rotters!

Not only are some of them related to Shrek but they think up the worse usernames they possibly can. Here are some examples I’ve found today on one of the free dating sites out there;

1. Vibrator Terminator - This guy would give any girl the need for an Ann Summers loyalty card more like.

2. Biglad27 - Looking at his profile he’s 5ft 6, looks about 10 when he says he’s 27 and if what his profile leads you to believe is true his name should be; Bigliarliarpantsonfire10.

3. Adoness - Not only can he not spell it right but I just hope to god he’s being ironic.

4. Junglefun - Am I going to require immunisation to go near him?

5. SpunkyJon12” - Ahhh man, where do I even start with this one?


So I try, in the name of research, to force myself to read some of their profiles, here’s a few examples of what they have written.

1. Well im type of guy who tends to get on with everyone, Im always up for a laugh, & thinks you shud never regrets anything that makes you smile. I live for today as you dont know what tomorrow bring. I treat people like i would like to be treat myself. I hate liers,cheats, and crulety and snooty gets who think there better than others, Also dislike two faced people

Ok, firstly, he is using text speak on the internet. A place where there is no character limit and nothing stopping him using the full and proper spelling of words. Massive flaw in my eyes, what else is he going to cut corners with?

He finishes his badly written description with. “How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?”

I don’t know whether to be disgusted, to pity him or report him for the worst line EVA (see what I did there)


2. I am a keen rugby player who is looking for adult fun with suitable ladies aged between 18 and 40. I am able to travel and would also consider a perminant relationship with the right person.

So basically he’s after no strings sex with a shed load of women whatever age they are and rings sex lines in his spare time and probably visits “massage parlors”

3. i love to have lazy days cuddle up in front of the fire watching movie with a special someone to share the sofa and blanket with.
you bring yourself and i will get the choc out the fridge and i'll chill the bottle of wine ready with two glasses


Ummm, someone pass me a bucket? And a dictionary.


4. Imagine hearing your name in a song...how would you feel if you knew it was about you? Your hopes and aspirations; your dreams and passions; how your wary exterior melts as you get to know someone; how I notice the goose pimples on your soft flesh raise when you’re shaking with nerves; how a devilish twinkle can be seen through your sultry eyed stare; how the curve of your smile lights up the room; how your long luscious hair blows in a Summer's breeze; how the curves of your silhouette dance across the crisp grass in the Autumn moonlight...well maybe I’ll write it for you...one day...


I’m sorry, give me a second, I need to catch my breath from laughing too hard. Do women actually fall for this? Am I a cold hearted bitch or is this super vomit inducing?

5. Never know what to write on these things so message me if you’re interested.

I see this one has a huge creative flare, I bet the conversations would be immense.


Granted among these, um, gems, there are some profiles that are interesting to read but then a good percentage of these let themselves down with some god awful pictures. Lads, you in a skanky towel that’s clearly not been washed in months, in your bedroom that’s not been redecorated since your 7th birthday and pouting (what you think is seductively at the camera) will only win you ladies that want a “project” and there aren’t very many of those around.


So gentlemen here are my top 5 tips to help you on dating sites.

1. Learn the English language and use spell check just to make sure.

2. Get a close female friend to vet the picture you’re putting on, or even better get her to take one of you.

3. Don’t write the words “cuddles, smoochy, snuggles, kwisses or huggies” anywhere in the public domain. For your self dignity alone.

4. Likewise do not use these terms “up the arse, hard and fast fuck, spunk junkie, 12” throbbing trojan or big tits” You will appear to be an arse.

5. Be yourself, don’t hide behind the fact it’s internet dating. Believe me you’ll get busted eventually.