Are you an emotional retard?

I am. I wasn’t but I’ve grown into being one. With each set back I’ve suffered through my dating existence and every notch it has etched out of me has turned me into an emotional oasis.

I laugh and joke about it with my friends and find some of my actions ridiculous but I have built this barrier that prevents me from saying certain words, paying someone compliments and admitting I might actually “like” (let’s not go too over the top and try to utter that other L word) a guy.

Getting someone interested in me (without sounding egotistical) isn’t a thing I find all that difficult. I’ve got a decent arse, I’ve managed to restrain myself from pigging out so much that I gain a muffin top and my face doesn’t look half bad either. I have a diploma in flirting and creating saucy innuendos but back me into a corner and ask me to vocalise my feelings for someone is another matter entirely.

Example; a guy tells me he loves spending time with me, I reply that I LIKE spending time with him too. I’m not even saying I love him but I can’t managed to instantly echo the sentiment. Ridiculous isn’t it? I want to say it but I appear to have a clamp in my mouth that prevents me. I wonder if I have to pay a fine to get rid of it?

I fear if I compliment a guy, he’ll assume I’m really into him and then lose interest, I would have put myself out there only to have the door slammed in my face and hear the words “actually, I’m not that bothered” = I am an emotional retard.

I am jealous of women that can be open about how they feel, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be a needy, squeaky, I love you and I’ve only known you a week girl, but I am jealous of people that are brave enough to lay it all out in the hope they’ll get something in return.

Maybe these people haven’t ever really failed, really experienced the anguish of something blowing up in their face, or maybe they are just so much stronger and believe the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”

The older I get the more cautious I get, to the point I am ruining possible relationships before they even begin and I annoy myself for it. Can I really put the blame on the men that have wronged me or is this totally my issue?

Another part of my problem is that I enjoy being single, an alien statement for those who don’t feel whole without someone on their arm, but I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet, have fun and not have to worry about all those sticky ‘feeling’ issues. I am aware that it’s not healthy to remain (and I hate this term) ‘alone’ for the rest of my days but how do you break the cycle of cut and run when it looks like it could be a goer?

I very much know I need to work on it and also know I am definitely not a one man band when it comes to this issue. Lots of people my age are suffering from the same affliction; the inability to jump in with both feet and not concern myself with the consequences.

My theory is when I find someone that’s prepared to work me through this, warts ‘n’ all, I will then begin to change my mind set, I honestly don’t think it’s something we can do by ourselves. It’s discovering that person who’s willing to take on an emotional retard though, because I have to say I’ve been confronted with the prospect of taking on someone that had issues before and I’ve given it a whirl but now I prefer to just leg it in the other direction.

So I guess what I, and so many other people need, is someone that has their shit together, that isn’t afraid of saying it like it is, who’s prepared to bring me out of myself but is there anyone that isn’t twisted? I ruddy hope so. And I do honestly believe there is, because I’ve pushed many of them away before as I’ve not been ready to accept that.

Can people that class themselves as emotional retards recover and go on to lead a happy, contented and drama free life? In short, yes, but the first step is admitting you have the problem, second step is to find someone that can understand the problem and third step is to work on it, together.

You can remove the clamp, turn off the mute button and put yourself out there.

Don’t just be jealous of people that have the enviable ability to wear their heart on their sleeves, try to take a leaf out of their book and face your fears.

I am determined that in 2010 I am going to change, give up my friend that has kept me protected and cut loose.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What’s the worse that could happen? Keeping Kleennex in business? We all need to do our part to keep the economy afloat after all...