Yearning for someone to share your chocolate with over Easter break? DON’T join a free dating site.

Firstly, as if you’d want to share your chocolate with anyone but you get what I mean! Bank holidays are a little easier than the festive holidays as these are the ones we’re just meant to get so pissed we can’t remember them right? Well, that used to be the case anyway.

On to the subject in hand anyway; free dating sites. In previous blogs I’ve warbled on about the lack of quality eye candy available on these sites but hadn’t yet been brave enough to sign up to one and speak to any of these lovely people. In agreement with a male friend of mine, we both signed up, created our profiles and approving each others, set about our task of finding someone who would be at least some of the following;

1. Relatively attractive.
2. Able to use the English language properly.
3. Not awaiting a court appearance.
4. All of their marbles present.
5. Someone we might want to meet in real life.

Not a particularly difficult challenge we thought. Seeing as there were 100s of people signed up we thought the odds would be steeped in our favour. Oh how wrong we could be.

Here’s some stats for you.

I have been signed up for just over one week. In that space of time I have had 237 men contact me (I am not trying to be big headed here) and out of those 237 I have almost had to force myself to reply to 4 in the name of research.

FOUR.

Out of TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN.

That is 1.69% of men out there that are even worth replying to.

Shall I stop bothering to shave my legs now then yeah?


My male counterpart has had about as much luck. He has received the awesome sum of ZERO. That’s nothing, not even a bite. He’s a good looking lad, he’s funny, dresses well, sociable and can even spell. If he’d message me I would have proposed marriage after the barrage of utter ludicrous non sense from his predecessors.

Neither of us were being extremely picky, it was an experiment after all, we weren’t looking for our life long partners (although that would have been a decent result) but we’d signed up to prove a point that the world is changing and we are all courting online. Massive failure.

The four chaps I’ve been chatting with have been interesting, although four has now become two after one asked me to join him for a threesome about ten messages in and the other asked me if I took it up the arse. Not quite pre-first-date chit chat if you ask me.

Out of the remaining two, one of them turned out to know people I did and I’m still unconvinced if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He was on my wave length, good looking but unfortunately still into necking a load of pharmaceutical products and not sleeping for days, so I doubt he’d be wanting to join me on a jaunt to the garden centre at the weekend. Shame though because he was almost funny.

The other chap is really good at banter, even managing to deal with my brutally sarcastic nature. He’s educated, doesn’t use text speak and even has a MacBook (don’t think I could date a PC user ha!) He manages to keep the conversation flowing and has things to say that don’t have me recoiling into the fetal position in sheer horror .

One thing though, he did give me his phone number and asked me to text him after only a day of messaging. This seemed extremely eager to me or am I being a prude? I’ve not text him I’d like to add, I’m not even completely persuaded I want to see him yet. What happens if he’s a human version of Shrek? There’s only one picture of him on this site, is that suspicious?

Back to the plight of my male compadre. From the amount of messages I’ve received and I’m not blonde, big boobed or look like a porn star (on a good day) I’m guessing the girls that do have these attributes are getting well in excess of 300 messages a week. How is it possible for the good guys to stand out from the rest of the muppets?

We are still in the process of working this out, tinkering with his opening lines, adapting his profile and revisiting which pictures to upload. Determined to crack this we’ve so far reached these conclusions;


1. You need a better opening line than “hi, how are you?” or worse still “hi ow R u?”
2. You need to show you’ve taken a second to actually read their profile rather than just stare at their tits (even if you have).
3. Your pictures need to be clear, you need to look buff and you can’t look cheesy.
4. Comedy works on some, on others it goes over their head. Again check profile for hints of their IQ.
5. Persistence it seems is the key. The site we’ve been on states that only 1 in 3 messages are read let alone replied to. It’s tough out there!!

This challenge continues and I’ll keep you updated with its progress and you never know we both might find someone who’s not a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.

Failing that, we’ll go back to the good old real way of dating.

One woman, one man on an unconvinced journey through internet dating.



Oh crikey I almost forgot a highlight for me. I received a message from a 26 year old woman, attractive woman at that, in Walsall telling me she thought I was pretty. Thank you very much I said to her and repaid the compliment tentatively.

You can probably guess what’s coming next; I try to be polite, general chit chat then she brings up threesomes... here we go. So firstly “Am I into girls?” I reply that they aren’t really my thing, I’d dabbled as most ladies have but I’d prefer to stick to the meat and two veg. She doesn’t give up though, moves onto the tactic of trying to trip me into a dirty conversation that would make me so horny I’d turn kitty licker in an instant.

I’ve got to admit I was finding it flipping hilarious and probably wound her up a bit. That flew back in my face when she went into detail about a spit roast shit fest she’d had at the weekend. MY EYES!

Moral of the story there, don’t reply, quickly move to the block button and remain happily naive about the crazy ass bitches that divulge way too much information to strangers.

It’s going to put me off roast pork for months.

How much does physical beauty really matter?

It’s believed that you make a decision on whether you fancy someone within seconds of meeting them, so how does this stand by the statement that many people make that they go for personality rather than looks? Personally I think that’s a crock of shit.

Of course personality is an important part but not initially. There has to be a physical attraction between two people for a relationship even to get to first base but does that need for chemistry sometimes mean we become shamelessly shallow?

Have any of you ever heard of the website www.beautifulpeople.com ? If you haven’t I shall try to explain its purpose. It was started some years ago now as a dating site for people that class themselves as “beautiful”, we’re not talking inside and out beautiful, here we mean only model, perfect, toned, manicured and hairsprayed beautiful.

If you go to their sign up page their USPs are as follows...

Do looks matter to you, when it comes to selecting a partner?
Do you want to guarantee your dates will always be beautiful?
No more filtering through unattractive people on mainstream sites.

What jumps out first to me is the people that you’re going to meet on this site are on the whole going to be as dull as dish water but look fit as f***. So if you’re just looking for a one nighter, all good. If you want intelligent, stimulating conversation that has a two way street and isn’t permanently consumed by ego stroking this site may not be for you.

And this isn’t the worst part...

To keep “ugly” people away from this site there is a brutal voting system to allow people to join. You upload a picture and existing members basically tell you whether you’re gorgeous or an utter dog. If you don’t get an above average rating, you’ve got no chance!

When you do get in, it’s not any nicer either. I signed up a while ago now just to see what kind of people would actually go on this site and intended to have a bit of a joke at their expense. To be honest, the site renders me a little speechless. I’ve heard some terrible chat up lines before and given some knock backs but never have I had the reply “Your loss, plenty of other dumbass bimbos on here that’ll have me”

Yeah, that pretty much says it all, thanks.

What’s made me think is the fact that this site has become a successful and profitable business for several years. It has members from all over the world who honestly and openly admit that they will only date people who they believe are on the same “beautiful” scale as them. How many more people are out there that think like this?

I think all of us are a little shallow in some respects, I’ll admit I am anyway. I’ve turned down guys because they wear god awful shoes or have an abnormally large head or short body but I’d like to think I’m not picking apart every potential partner until there’s nothing left but wondering if their eyes are symmetrical and if they’ll make me look good.

Most people have a “type” but I’ve never really been able to determine mine when it comes to looks. Personality wise I prefer to go for strong characters, those who are capable of banter, have a slightly darker side and are able to let their hair down and laugh at themselves. It’s also important to me that they are well educated, worldly wise and interested in what I am otherwise I tend to get bored incredibly quickly.

The last few men I’ve been attracted to have only had one thing in common; brown hair. The rest has been completely different. One was extremely toned and athletic, relatively good dresser, average but good looking face, average height. Second was tall, slim, covered in tattoos, pretty trendy dresser to the point of vanity. The third was a Pete Doherty look alike who even swaggered the same, dressed as if he was a tortured musician and looked like he was undressing you with every blink.

So I suppose you could say I am attracted to men with individuality about them and those who don’t have blonde hair. If you had to define your “type” what do you think it would be? Would you limit it so far that you will only go for a certain standard of person? Or do you believe that lust holds no bounds and can surprise you at every turn?

One question that’s always bothered me is this, and I warn you it may sounds terrible. Are we genetically tuned to fancy people only within our reach? For example, people that are classed slightly less attractive than the average seem to happily merge together when someone of an above average attractiveness may not fancy them. Do we have an inbuilt limit on those we are drawn to so we don’t set our sights too high? Or do we self deprecate and go for those who we believe are within our reach so we don’t get shot down in flames?

Do you ever settle when it comes to looks? Do you ever worry that you only fancy people who are out of your league?

Dating sites...The bad and the down right ugly.

Now I am not about to give you an ultimate “how to” guide here because I’ve not properly used a dating site before. I usually log on to them, search through the men on offer and become throughly depressed that someone actually wants to make me pay to talk to these ugly rotters!

Not only are some of them related to Shrek but they think up the worse usernames they possibly can. Here are some examples I’ve found today on one of the free dating sites out there;

1. Vibrator Terminator - This guy would give any girl the need for an Ann Summers loyalty card more like.

2. Biglad27 - Looking at his profile he’s 5ft 6, looks about 10 when he says he’s 27 and if what his profile leads you to believe is true his name should be; Bigliarliarpantsonfire10.

3. Adoness - Not only can he not spell it right but I just hope to god he’s being ironic.

4. Junglefun - Am I going to require immunisation to go near him?

5. SpunkyJon12” - Ahhh man, where do I even start with this one?


So I try, in the name of research, to force myself to read some of their profiles, here’s a few examples of what they have written.

1. Well im type of guy who tends to get on with everyone, Im always up for a laugh, & thinks you shud never regrets anything that makes you smile. I live for today as you dont know what tomorrow bring. I treat people like i would like to be treat myself. I hate liers,cheats, and crulety and snooty gets who think there better than others, Also dislike two faced people

Ok, firstly, he is using text speak on the internet. A place where there is no character limit and nothing stopping him using the full and proper spelling of words. Massive flaw in my eyes, what else is he going to cut corners with?

He finishes his badly written description with. “How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?”

I don’t know whether to be disgusted, to pity him or report him for the worst line EVA (see what I did there)


2. I am a keen rugby player who is looking for adult fun with suitable ladies aged between 18 and 40. I am able to travel and would also consider a perminant relationship with the right person.

So basically he’s after no strings sex with a shed load of women whatever age they are and rings sex lines in his spare time and probably visits “massage parlors”

3. i love to have lazy days cuddle up in front of the fire watching movie with a special someone to share the sofa and blanket with.
you bring yourself and i will get the choc out the fridge and i'll chill the bottle of wine ready with two glasses


Ummm, someone pass me a bucket? And a dictionary.


4. Imagine hearing your name in a song...how would you feel if you knew it was about you? Your hopes and aspirations; your dreams and passions; how your wary exterior melts as you get to know someone; how I notice the goose pimples on your soft flesh raise when you’re shaking with nerves; how a devilish twinkle can be seen through your sultry eyed stare; how the curve of your smile lights up the room; how your long luscious hair blows in a Summer's breeze; how the curves of your silhouette dance across the crisp grass in the Autumn moonlight...well maybe I’ll write it for you...one day...


I’m sorry, give me a second, I need to catch my breath from laughing too hard. Do women actually fall for this? Am I a cold hearted bitch or is this super vomit inducing?

5. Never know what to write on these things so message me if you’re interested.

I see this one has a huge creative flare, I bet the conversations would be immense.


Granted among these, um, gems, there are some profiles that are interesting to read but then a good percentage of these let themselves down with some god awful pictures. Lads, you in a skanky towel that’s clearly not been washed in months, in your bedroom that’s not been redecorated since your 7th birthday and pouting (what you think is seductively at the camera) will only win you ladies that want a “project” and there aren’t very many of those around.


So gentlemen here are my top 5 tips to help you on dating sites.

1. Learn the English language and use spell check just to make sure.

2. Get a close female friend to vet the picture you’re putting on, or even better get her to take one of you.

3. Don’t write the words “cuddles, smoochy, snuggles, kwisses or huggies” anywhere in the public domain. For your self dignity alone.

4. Likewise do not use these terms “up the arse, hard and fast fuck, spunk junkie, 12” throbbing trojan or big tits” You will appear to be an arse.

5. Be yourself, don’t hide behind the fact it’s internet dating. Believe me you’ll get busted eventually.