NEXT!

So it’s all gone a bit arse up, your love interest has turned out to be another toad or maybe your facing the unenviable situation of unrequited love, for whatever the reason you have been plunged into the dark hole of “what now?”

It is all too easy to stew over situations like this and depending on your personality, and often sex, you will no doubt go in two different directions; 1 - Feel an urge to trawl through every up and down of the last few weeks/months or 2 - Get really pissed, flirt with someone else and move directly past GO, collect £200 and wang it on something completely inappropriate. I am an utter and fully fledged fan of option two.

In years gone by when I was younger, stupid and self deprecating I’d spend ages wondering what went wrong, the “why me? what’s wrong with me?” questions would fire through my brain cells and torment me, usually when I was trying to sleep, until I became utterly insane. Then one day, after a particularly sticky break up with an ex, I stamped my foot, thought “*&^% this” and went out. The night consisted of vodka, cosmopolitans, my mates, loads of laughs and a particularly hot guy I knew. I can safely say this equation totted up to be the best remedy I could hope for!

Of course not everyone has the nonchalant attitude I have spent years perfecting so I am not telling you to dramatically change your ways, what I am saying is to try to put your best foot forward and get on with living your life.

Driving yourself potty with questions such as “why aren’t they texting me?”, “why did they say that?”, “what did I do wrong?” “am I not attractive enough?” STTTOOPPPP!!! Don’t do it to yourself! You will probably never know the truth as to why it hasn’t worked out with someone so there is zero point torturing yourself for hours with questions you just can’t get answers to!

Back to what I do; firstly I begin with “their loss”, this is a great thing to say to yourself. You know you’re great, say it. You’ve got a great arse/legs/eyes/personality, whatever you love about you, say it to yourself. Then begin with the points you didn’t like about them, the reasons you actually know why you weren’t a great match, repeat to yourself several times. Do not pontificate about the things they were amazing at, it is completely useless and often we have a habit after a break up of longing for someone and turning them into someone they never were, a martyr and ourselves into a lowly non-worthy trog.

The next step is to enjoy life. Organise nights out with your friends, get in touch with that person you know has a soft spot for you, pamper yourself, have a laugh and most importantly do not look back! Your new love interest is only a short distance away I’d bet, but only if you remain positive, you won’t bag anyone with your bottom lip dragging along the floor behind you.

Why, we as humans, have an innate need to make ourselves feel awful is beyond me, but it is there in Technicolor! We must do our very best to suppress the negative and focus on the positive. So this one didn’t work out, so what? Now you get to have fun finding the next, being single isn’t bad, in fact if you do it right it’s bloody good fun.

Remember too, the time we spend in singledom only complements the time we spend in relationships. Enjoy both, do not feel you are less of a person because something didn’t work out, you aren’t. It was just a lesson to be learnt, you made your notes and now move on.

NEXT!

When fate steps in...

The word “fate” is thrown around our society for all situations but never as much as it is when it comes to relationships, but do we really believe in it? And if we do, how come we so often ignore it?

When using the useful tool that is hindsight I see my relationship history littered with examples of “fate” some of which I took notice of, many I brushed under the carpet and later came to regret. If you look back on yours, how many times should you have taken notice of that feeling something just happened for a reason? That it was destined to change the course of your relationship. If you can’t immediately come up with examples you’re not looking properly, so let me divulge some of mine and I bet it helps jog your own memories.

One of the most notable times I think fate stepped in and helped me out was during a holiday with an boyfriend and my parents. This holiday wasn’t actually going to happened but for what might be a divine reason it got pushed ahead and we all set off for the sunshine. Now, let me set the scene; I’d been with this chap for quite some time, my mother thought he was ace and was secretly hoping for marriage, we seemed, on the surface, reasonably happy.

Add in two weeks in a foreign country with your parents and partner, family friends and differing personalities and you will soon be inflicted with many challenging situations. I did have a habit in my younger days of becoming utterly blinded when in a relationship, as several people do, but for whatever reason during our break away my blinkers were slowly removed from my eyes to reveal a massively failing relationship that I had been blissfully unaware of for months.

Obviously upon our return to the UK a break up was inevitable due to swallowing a massive dose of reality coupled with my mother bashing my head against sense and reason a few times whilst we were away and the relationship ended. After the fog and trauma of this lifted I began to realise something, whatever it was, had stepped in and made me smell the roses, that holiday happened for a reason.

I won’t bore you with lengthy details on other ways fate has pressed a stop or start button for me so let me just recap briefly; I’ve been dating someone and not planned to go out on an evening but for an unknown reason I’ve change my mind, gone out, and caught them with someone else. Then there was the time I’d logged onto a site for no particular reason and found my date chatting up other women. Or out of no where felt compelled to call my partner to find they weren’t where they’d said they’d be... I could go on and on.

Before we turn this into a hugely negative situation, look at the positives. If these things had not have happened I would have continued to be unaware that I was in a relationship with a prick and that would be bad. Yes, it’s horrible to find something out you weren’t expecting but in the same hand, wouldn’t you rather know?

Fate works in wonderful ways and does so to help us, not to stick the knife in as it might occasionally feel and let us not forget it can help us find a special someone too.

You’ve gone somewhere you hadn’t planned to, spoken to someone you didn’t intend to, taken a job, joined a group, done whatever that is usually out of your comfort zone but for some reason you can’t explain felt the need to do it and you’ve met someone because of that. Do you believe it’s just utter coincidence or maybe a higher power is pushing you in the right directions?

I don’t like to think my life is already predetermined because that’s just boring and we can of course ignore that little thing telling us to go to that bar or sign up to that site, we can resist all we like but if we just gave fate a chance could our love lives turn into an exciting adventure rather than a monotonous hum drum?

Honestly, I believe there is a thing none of us can understand that guides us to our destiny, the bad relationships happen to teach us to appreciate the good ones. The mistakes we make help us become stronger and more balanced. The frogs we have to kiss ensure we know once we pucker up for our Prince. Everything in life is part of a rich tapestry, one we should appreciate for all its colours, the dark and the light.

Most importantly, don’t ignore your instincts, don’t run away from fate just because you think it might be nonsense. What are you afraid of? Life is too short to not tune into the chances that come your way.

Let fate step in.

The self destruct button...

The bane of my dating life. An itch that I can’t seem to avoid scratching sometimes or maybe I’m just a rebel at heart and know I shouldn’t do it therefore I just can’t stop myself!

If you are one of the fortunate and illusive people that don’t have this affliction then I envy you and will explain to you the torturous nature of this dreaded dating disease. A lot of it stems down to a belief that things can never be easy, due to them having been difficult in the past, so those of us that suffer with this seem to need to cause a drama before we have drama thrown upon us.

Usually this will occur around the six month milestone but in some extreme cases it can happened much sooner. It comes in several forms, let’s list them.

1. Verbal faux pas; this is when you don’t engage brain before opening your port hole.

2. Physical gaffe; you either do something that causes swords to be drawn, your body language becomes cold or you throw a TV remote at them.

3. Nit picking; They seem perfect but they can’t be surely, you turn into a private investigator to discover their faults when there probably aren’t any. Failing to find some, you turn to making them up.

4. I’m a wally; You doubt their motives for being with you, you can’t possibly deserve to have someone this nice interested so they must be after - A. Your Money. B. Your Car. C. Your best mate. D. Your Soul. E. Your cat, contents of your fridge and Nintendo Wii. F. All of the above.

5. Loss of decorum; Something happens, let’s say they do something that’s slightly embarrassing for them. You forget yourself and either laugh so hard you pee, call them names, forget to prevent a look of horror / disgust descending across your face or worst of all, tell everyone.


Unfortunately all of the above are down to your own self confidence which is incredibly hard, no matter what all those self help books / websites / blogs tell you, to change but if you are honest and open with your new partner about the concerns of your short comings then they can help you address them. Now I am not saying that you should come across self loathing and say “I’ve got a really bad track record, I’ve done this, this, that, them” because that’s one way to set them running quickly in the other direction.

As I’ve said in other blogs having the “ex chat” should try to be avoided if at all possible, I see no positive aspect about going into great detail when it comes to your previous bad decisions and actions but what might need to be eventually mentioned is your reasoning behind doing whatever you did.

By this I mean if you don’t want to rush into things because you’re scared you might ruin it suggest you take things slowly. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take things a step at a time if this is going to help you gain confidence in yourself and your date. If they really like you then they’ll be prepared to take it at a pace you are comfortable with.

You do need to do the most daunting thing of all though, look inwardly. Not realising why you’ve hit the self destruct button in the past will only cause you to hover your finger over it again. It’s not a simple task of course but the best way to get to the root of your problems is talking about it with someone you trust, but not your partner, for now anyway. Turn to your close friends and face your fears, I’m willing to bet on the fact they’ll also echo what you are saying most of the time.

One thing you definitely shouldn’t do though is hide away from getting involved with someone just because of what has happened in the past. Everyone is different and just because your last relationship ended badly does not mean a new one will too. From each experience we gain knowledge and we must do the most obvious thing and learn from it. To do this we need to open our eyes to it.

So take off your goggles and have a ruddy good look, what you see won’t be half as horrific as you imagine it will be, I promise.

If only there was a rewind button...

How many times have you wished that? Pulled an absolute clanger and been desperate to drag those loaded words back into your mouth or erase a memory of something you stupidly did? Once or twice I’d imagine!

Hindsight is a beautiful thing when it comes to dating and not always one we refer back to as much as we should in the future. I’ve often thought when things have gone wrong with a partner “I’ll remember this for next time” but nine times out of ten I forget or worse still repeat the pattern anyway thinking it might be different.

I’ve grown up being brutally honest, if someone asks me a question I may try to skirt around it if it’s really personal but I’m more than likely to blurt out the truth, especially after a few glasses of red. So who’s fault is it if my new date asks how many people I’ve slept with and then proceeds to get the hump on? Or asks if my friend has ever been more than a friend and I reply “yes but we’re just mates now” but this isn’t enough so whenever said friend is mentioned I get the daggers darting into my head? Is it my fault for being honest? Or his fault for asking me in the first place?

The question of honesty in a new relationship is a tricky one, you don’t want to lie to them but also should you be careful about how truthful you are? Selecting which pieces of your life you lay out for them is littered with hurdles but probably the safest method is to start as if nothing has come before them. Of course, unless you’ve saved yourself for marriage, each of you know you’ve been with people before but they don’t need to know any details.

Ladies; if you ask your new partner about his ex make sure you can handle what he might say, especially if he tells you they are still friends. No matter who you are and how much you might be falling in love with him, you know for sure that green eyed monster is bound to pop up sometime if you know all the nitty and the gritty.

I’ve been guilty of naivety on many occasions, when it comes to my ex’s all bar one I couldn’t give two hoots about. When I say that I don’t mean I want harm to come of them, well maybe one or two, but if I saw them on a night out there would be zero heart fluttering going on and the one I do still care about is only because it was a bit of an epic relationship and I want to see him happy; with someone else I might add. There’s been flings with friends too, all of which I’m still friends with, but nothing would ever happen with them again but I think sometimes when I end up (accidently) divulging this information to anyone they don’t view it as I do.... and I don’t realise it.

What my key point here is; don’t forget that some things that you see as plain and simple others see as a whole world of complications. So it’s up to you to either explain otherwise or keep your trap shut. Or, like me, swim in the sea of “me and my big mouth”.

Let’s say you’ve stuck you foot firmly into your gullet, the words have left your mouth, their face drops, you realise what you’ve just said and you either scramble for words to override that thought that’s now spinning at 100 mph around their head or fall into an extremely awkward silence, what’s the game plan? Probably the most tried and tested “fix it” method is groveling but it’s hit and miss, especially if you haven’t been dating long and you’re yet to wow them with your sparkling personality. Always remember one wrong thing cancels out at least five good things, so you’ll need to do a whopping ten amazing things to pull it back from the brink.

I tend to go for the “pretend it never happened” method and let me tell you, it’s rarely successful but I’m often too much of a wimp to ask them if I annoyed them because this means having to bring up the thing I did / said again, a mind field if by some stroke of luck they have forgotten about it. Bringing it up also means having the think on your toes if they start interrogating you on what it meant. Luckily for me I’m dealing with men and as we’re all know most of the time the males are the least likely to want to trawl over something. Women, some of them anyway, feel it necessary to intricately scrutinise each stage of whatever drama is unfolding.

So which is the best method? The scariest probably; being open and honest. If your partner has pissed you off, tell them, but do it in a way that isn’t going to cause WW3 or launch a bazooka at their feelings. We’re all guilty of reply “nothing” when asked what’s wrong and occasionally I’ll admit it’s easier for all concerned to ignore and move on but sometimes letting something smolder under the surface is only a short time from an almighty “KABOOM”

There’s actually a term for this method, it’s called “charging neutral” which means to approach a sensitive and important subject in a calm manner, keeping your volume levels soft as well as your body language, the words you use are in a non confrontational manner and at all times keeping a lid on your temper but most vitally, not ignoring them.

Women, myself included, can find men inordinately frustrating when things hit a tricky spot. All my experiences have been that they do everything within their powers to avoid ever mentioning anything. This is absolutely fine with me if that’s how they want to play it but not if this then means I’m just given the cold shoulder or forced to stare at a descended bottom lip for weeks.

If like me you have relationship tourrettes then you will need to take stock of how you feel comfortable dealing with your mess ups. The most important thing to address is; are they worth it? If they are and they think you are, it shouldn’t be a problem unless you blurt out they are the ugliest person you’ve ever laid eyes on and they are a wet lettuce in bed, but let’s face it, if that’s true, walk away now.

I do live in hope “when” I find the person that I’m going to be with for the rest of my life I’ll stop wishing for a rewind button but reality and experience probably proves me otherwise. So for now I’m winging it. If I decide the person is worthy of my groveling, I’ll grovel and bake a hell of a lot of cakes.

The unanswerable questions...

Falling in love is one of the most natural things known to man, a right of passage you might say, but does that make it easy? Of course not. It might be something we’re all meant to experience but it’s quickly becoming like the holy grail for singles. Has it always been like this or now, thanks to the internet, is it just more noticeable and talked about?

Our culture might not be one that is formally into arranged marriages but in days gone by parents were often involved in choosing partners for their offspring. True love this might not be, but it certainly tipped the odds in your favour for at least finding someone to make you a brew in the morning.

Now, as we approach our 30s and still remain perched on the proverbial shelf, a sense of panic and confusion is often descended upon us. We sail through our 20s popping from one relationship to another without too much problem but when the notion hits that we’re reaching an age where we should be seen to settle down and find “the one” we seem to lose our ability to know how to find anyone, let alone the partner we are meant to spend the rest of our days with.

For many of us the realisation that we really have no clue comes as a shock and throws us in two different directions. Either we scramble for anyone that will put up with us and settle for just not being alone or we become more frustrated at the fact it appears to get even harder to find someone you click with as you enter your more responsible phase of life.

Depressing? Yes! Thankfully our human nature often means we remain hopeful that fate will step in, we’re destined to bump into the love of our lives in the local supermarket or maybe you’ll meet them through a new friend. For many this uncertainty has lead them to joining dating sites, attending speed dating events or turning to work colleagues or networking groups to meet potential partners.

As I am single I’ve been intrigued by the ways people are resorting to for the chance of meeting other singles and I can safely say I’ve been astonished by the amount of my own friends who have turned to dating sites. It seems the once taboo or embarrassing admission of signing up to one of these sites is diminishing at an astounding rate.

I’d bet my last rolo on the fact that out of every friendship group at least a few people will have profiles on the various free and subscription sites that are out there. Does this mean we are now more proactive in finding a partner or does it mean that the internet, mobile phones and other new ways of communicating with each other has actually spiraled out of control so we no longer feel capable of speaking to strangers in person?

This has all happened within a massively short space of time. I’m only 27 but I can clearly remember when a guy wanted to ask you out he had to call your home number and possibly have to encounter your parents, take the leap of asking in person or, wait for it, write a love letter. Are these changes for the better? Or worse?

With the women’s rights revolution females have naturally become much more independent and forthright with what they want out of life. This has had a dramatic affect on dating, now women ask men out, they chase their target in more open ways than ever before which of course can mean they are more likely to get what they want. Has this meant that men are being robbed of their alpha male rights? Does an independent, confident and successful woman intimidate some men?

It shouldn’t right? But, I can say from personal experience, it does. As much as we all love to believe we are living in a world where everyone is equal, that men appreciate a woman being able to care for herself and women like to wear a badge of self sufficiency if everyone was utterly truthful the majority of men would admit that they like to be protective over their partner and to feel they are the provider and with women we really do, no matter how “strong” we appear to be, want to feel safe and taken care of.

For a woman in today’s society to admit she doesn’t feel “whole” without a man at her side is almost tantamount to admitting you’re weak and would be greeted by disapproving looks from alpha females (that probably feel the same anyway but of course would not vocalise it, with me being one of them) and for a man to say he didn’t want a woman that earned more than him or was more successful is basically enough to bring back capital punishment.

So have all the lessons our parents learnt about finding a partner become obsolete? Are we playing a whole different game these days? In my opinion, we’re not, it’s exactly the same as it has been for thousands of years, we’re all just in denial.

Google “dating advice” and you’ll find over 43 million pages handing out the dos and don’ts. Have we become a generation of over analysers? Is there actually a tried and tested format on how to bag a mate? Of course not! The beauty of the human race is that we are all different, what one man likes another won’t, what impresses one woman will revolt another. Am I getting more depressing? Sorry...

Let me be the brave one here and lay out my dating disasters for you to pull apart. Firstly the types of men that have entered and left my life. I’ve had the pleasure (said with an undertone of sarcasm) of experiencing the commitmentphobes, the ones that declare their love for me after minutes which leads me to leg it in the other direction quicker than you can say “laters”, the ones that blow hot and cold, the game players, the emotional retards and the pièce de résistance; the controllers.

Naturally the above has lead to be being rather cautious and cynical with new people I meet, and of course this will be the same with men, I know many bunny boiler females myself! So how can you spot someone that’s going to be a pain in the backside? Or just more hard work than they are worth? How should you play it?

As I don’t profess to be any kind of dating guru, far from it, I’m just as clueless as everyone else and because of this I’ve endeavored to question a few friends to try and gain a general consensus. Here’s what I’ve discovered...

I had hoped that there would be a definitive divide between men and women’s opinions and although there is some interesting opposites, there is no clear “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” proclamation.

Let’s begin with people’s opinion on game playing. I am personally in the corner of hating this, as are many other women. The only time we participate is when it’s obvious a guy needs to taste his own medicine and shall we not forget it is in a woman’s genes to be manipulative, so gents; play at your peril.

Unsurprisingly the only people to agree that the “two day rule” still exists and works are the males of our species, but in the same hand I was encouraged to find that a good percentage of maturer guys did see this clandestine and unspoken tactic as pointless. If you like someone, tell them, don’t mess around in the hope that leaving it for exactly 48 hours before contacting them again will do anything but annoy and frustrate your potential mate.

Of course this does not mean to take it to the extreme and call/text/email the guy (because let’s face it ladies, it’s us that are guilty of too much contact) every waking minute of the day. So does this mean playing it cool at least is still of paramount importance? I feel slightly hypocritical in divulging my answer here but yes, there’s a balance to be found when it comes to laying yourself out and making yourself available. Fool proof way of finding this balance is like seeing rocking horse sh*t but go with your instincts here, if your new interest seems to enjoy daily contact, go for it, if they prefer a little more space then adjust. Remember my point earlier; we are all different. What might have worked with your last partner maybe a hop, skip and a jump to a dump with your latest so pay attention to them, not what someone tells you to in Cosmo.

One very general statement that’s bounded around in today’s media is that men are only after sex. Women are tuned to be wary of what a man’s intentions are from a very young age. Of course there are men out there that purely want to get their leg over, but there are women that only want causal flings too so why do we tarnish men with something that often isn’t the case? Is it because we are told men have a primal urge to sow their seed? When really men want companionship as much as women do? Or am I being too hopeful in believing that?

Maybe my friend’s aren’t a varied enough catchment to gain a clear picture from but out of 14 guys only 1 admitted that he is only after a tumble in the sack. All 13 others wanted more, not necessarily marriage or full blown commitment but all of them wanted to meet a girl they got on with and wanted it to get past a few dates. Most also all said they wouldn’t sleep with a girl on the first date. So does that eradicate what we’ve been told all this time? Are men really getting a bad rap they don’t deserve?

I think so many magazines and online articles try to give blanket solutions to common problems to glaze over the fact that there is no clear right and wrong when it comes to dating. If they told us that they haven’t got all the answers either would they actually make any sales? Who wants to read that there is no rule book and you really just have to wing it, be prepared to ruin it and maybe, if you’re lucky, get it bob on.

Isn’t that half the fun though? I’m a great believer that if everything was presented to us on a silver platter we’d very quickly get bored and go for something else that was a challenge to receive. Although “the chase” and the first date can be one of the most intimidating, frightening and generally traumatic times when you’re entering a possible relationship, does it not make it all the sweeter when those nerves and trepidation turn into excitement and more importantly, love? Of course if it doesn’t work out we have to deal with rejection and disappointment but that is life so why can’t we all just be prepared to deal with it?

Taking the rough with the smooth doesn’t sound appealing to some people and these are usually the over analysers, the ones that want to pick everything apart to find the nucleus of the situation so they can manipulate it into something they want it to be. Here’s a revelation, if you do this you’re heading for disaster, I guarantee it. I have watched so many friends, men and women included, dissect their love life to the point where they don’t know their top from their bottom. The only loser in this will be you. There will come a point where you are so confused you start to self destruct, people must learn to take things as they come. Easy to say it, not easy to do of course.

Our generation has become one that craves answers, we want to know why things happen, how things work and we demand to be able to figure things out. We aren’t happy with the answer “that’s just how it is” and this has made us glutenous when it comes to even the most undefinable things in life.

So, let’s say for instance you do bag a mate, you’ve been dating for a few weeks and everything seems to be going well. Then out of nowhere (it seems) your new interest goes cold or maybe starts acting differently, or even you wake up on morning and realise you’ve made a huge mistake. Here goes the questions again; why did she do that? why did (n’t) he say that? Do they still like me? Do I really like them? That thing I said, has that ruined it?

Then creeps in the paranoia, oh that bit is the best. Your new relationship is barely out of the wrapper and already you are probably both reading well too much into, possibly doubting each other’s sincerity and generally rubbishing it before it even starts.

Or there’s the other situation that we all believe is out there. You meet across a crowded room, it’s love at first sight, instant attraction, the chemistry is so strong you’re saving a fortune on energy bills. Now you may sense a slight bit of cynicism in my tone here. It’s not that don’t believe there can be an instant attraction and craving for someone else, what I believe is that some people are predisposed to hitting the self destruct button even if there is.

I’m more of the latter, I do have a habit of not engaging brain before opening my mouth or reacting wrongly to something that’s said. Then, when I’m usually a very rational and sane individual, start worrying about how I’m perceived, if I should / shouldn’t say things and the more I think about this the worse it gets. Luckily as I’ve grown older I’ve learnt to put a mute button on these thoughts but every now and then when something doesn’t happen as you’d planned it that annoying voice pipes up “what happened there, should I apologise, should I ignore it, why do I feel like that” etc etc blah blah. I was under the assumption that it was just women that obsess over their date’s behaviour but I can confirm, in some instances, this is not the case! Men too become riddled with unanswerable questions or ones they wouldn’t dare vocalise.

What I am saying is this; getting a date is the really easy part, trust me. It’s hanging onto a partner that’s the tricky bit. Therefore meeting in the right circumstance for you, being true to yourself and trying your very best to not press that button that says; “DO NOT PRESS ELSE THIS’LL BE RUINED” is how to do it. If it feels right let it feel right, if it feels wrong, don’t put Savlon on it and hope the stinging goes away.

My final thought on this matter, and this is mainly aimed at the ladies; put down that self help guide, move away from hitting “search” on Google after you’ve typed in “dating advice”, take a step out into the world, sign up to a dating site, have your mates set you up with someone, whatever it is, best foot forward and give it a go. The only way to become a master at dating and find yourself a match is to dive in!