We’re all going on a summer holiday.

Firstly I better sincerely apologise for my lack of content over the last month, I’ve been on holiday and been struck down by an almighty stomach bug which I won’t give you the details of but put it this way; those 3lbs I put on whilst on holiday, gone.

I went to the Dominican Republic for my sunshine retreat, a tropical paradise I was lead to believe. This jaunt was to celebrate my mother’s 65th birthday so we thought somewhere to sunbathe, get spa treatments and just eat would do nicely. If you’ve ever been on holiday with a parent as you approach your 30’s and you’re single you will know what this can lead to; couple envy.

Where ever you pick to go away, doesn’t matter if it’s a beach holiday or a winter break you can guarantee that lovey dovey couples will be everywhere, shoving their bonking bliss in your face and this will plummet you into either pining after a lost love or have you scoping out for any other single that might be cute enough after a few cocktails.

Even when you go with a friend for example I will bet my last Rolo on the fact you’ll spend most of the time talking about your dirty rotten ex or that guy you simply must pursue on your return to Blighty. Being away with a parent is worse though, especially a mother, even more so mine.

I’m pretty honest with mine about my love life, I don’t go into the intimate details but she knows who’s featuring at the moment and what I feel about things that are happening. This however does not stop her suggesting I find someone suitable (less hard work) to settle down with. She has a very good memory when it comes to the men who have shown interest in me, a few have ticked the “would make a great son-in-law” box and she takes great pleasure in reminding me of these gents when things aren’t going to plan.

Unfortunately even though these “perfect” men aren’t for me, much to the disappointment of my dear Mama, when one texts me, who I haven’t heard from in months, whilst on my barren holiday for a nano second I am entertaining the idea of giving it another go... That’s what holidays do to me, turn me into a desperado.

You’re enjoying a beautiful walk down a breath taking bay just as the sun is rising, you should be thinking about the scenery, the wonders of nature but you’re not. You’re thinking; “I wish so-n-so was here”

It didn’t help that on this holiday for the first four days it fricking pissed it down and I was stuck playing cards and dominos inside for what seemed like eternity. Far too much time to think which led to far too many ridiculous thoughts and notions whirling around in my already vivid imagination. Are holidays a good idea when you are single? Of course the single girl and guy are 100% entitled to a holiday but when you reach a certain age where a boozy trip with 20 of your mates is no longer an option, mostly because half of them now have sprogs, is it a good idea to inflict this on yourself? Does it help or hinder?

I have had holidays where it’s been great to get away from certain situations in my life but I’ve also had others where being away from it has made it much, much worse. Beach holidays are the main culprit here. If you are on an adventure break with so many things to do and you don’t have time to think, you’re onto a winner. If you’re lounging around listening to Zero 7 then you’ve bagged yourself a one-way ticket to living hell.

The Dominican Republic is absolutely not a place for singles. In the resort we stayed in everyone was either on honeymoon, in the first blushes of romance, a 40 tonne heifer or gay. I was definitely thankful for the beautiful gay men at the end of it, something lovely to look at and wonderful company to bitch with. The heifers made me feel like a super model so they can come again but the ones that really pissed me off were the first blushes, one couple particularly.

The lady in question was your ultimate try hard, she was seriously over doing the attempt to be sexy and attentive thing. I had to restrain myself from going over and giving her a piece of my mind, it was pitiful. Although by the second day of us finally getting sunshine I did become slightly schadenfreude at the fact she had managed to give herself third degree burns with a token white stripe down both sides where she’d forgotten to turn over properly. Not so sexy now biatch. They were obviously in the very early stages on their relationship where things are all amazing, you don’t know your partner has deep, dark secrets and is about to turn your world upside down and completely wreck your eternal emotional stability and forever render you in a vast void of questions, paranoia and insecurities.

Ahem.... shit. Excuse me, the stomach bug coupled with the fact I’ve not eaten in two days made that outburst happen. Resuming sane behaviour... now.

My point is; when you are single and on holiday, surrounded by couples you can’t resist but to pick apart and analyse their body language, what type of couple you think they are and whether they will last. Well, you do if your single and female anyway.

Holidays aren’t meant to be depressing so if you are sans partner and intending a trip away with someone who might have the ability to push you into a cloud of self analysis, stay away from the quiet beach break. Go for a city break, they are much safer. You’re much more likely to find people that will interest and entertain you and it’s not so hard to escape the smoochy poochy pairs that you want to pour a pint of ice water over.

Best places I’ve been where thoughts of unrequited love have rarely entered my head; NYC, Vegas, Rome, Dublin, Miami, Madrid, Amsterdam and Key West. I spent far too much time sight seeing, shopping, eating and generally exploring to give a damn about the drama I’d left at home.

Take my advice, unless you’re young enough to get insanely out of it on the White Isle with 50 people you hardly know and come home not remembering a thing put the “Beach Break” brochure down and stick to the notion that you’re going on holiday for culture and not to spend it on a sun lounger, throwing yourself into a depression greater than 1926 and thinking of plots to rid the world of happy people.

Buy a map, a comfy pair of walking shoes and bloody well get moving. Stay still and you’ll go bonkers.

Oh, one more thing. Pack a mac, dominos wears thin after about 30 minutes.

Are you an emotional retard?

I am. I wasn’t but I’ve grown into being one. With each set back I’ve suffered through my dating existence and every notch it has etched out of me has turned me into an emotional oasis.

I laugh and joke about it with my friends and find some of my actions ridiculous but I have built this barrier that prevents me from saying certain words, paying someone compliments and admitting I might actually “like” (let’s not go too over the top and try to utter that other L word) a guy.

Getting someone interested in me (without sounding egotistical) isn’t a thing I find all that difficult. I’ve got a decent arse, I’ve managed to restrain myself from pigging out so much that I gain a muffin top and my face doesn’t look half bad either. I have a diploma in flirting and creating saucy innuendos but back me into a corner and ask me to vocalise my feelings for someone is another matter entirely.

Example; a guy tells me he loves spending time with me, I reply that I LIKE spending time with him too. I’m not even saying I love him but I can’t managed to instantly echo the sentiment. Ridiculous isn’t it? I want to say it but I appear to have a clamp in my mouth that prevents me. I wonder if I have to pay a fine to get rid of it?

I fear if I compliment a guy, he’ll assume I’m really into him and then lose interest, I would have put myself out there only to have the door slammed in my face and hear the words “actually, I’m not that bothered” = I am an emotional retard.

I am jealous of women that can be open about how they feel, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be a needy, squeaky, I love you and I’ve only known you a week girl, but I am jealous of people that are brave enough to lay it all out in the hope they’ll get something in return.

Maybe these people haven’t ever really failed, really experienced the anguish of something blowing up in their face, or maybe they are just so much stronger and believe the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”

The older I get the more cautious I get, to the point I am ruining possible relationships before they even begin and I annoy myself for it. Can I really put the blame on the men that have wronged me or is this totally my issue?

Another part of my problem is that I enjoy being single, an alien statement for those who don’t feel whole without someone on their arm, but I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet, have fun and not have to worry about all those sticky ‘feeling’ issues. I am aware that it’s not healthy to remain (and I hate this term) ‘alone’ for the rest of my days but how do you break the cycle of cut and run when it looks like it could be a goer?

I very much know I need to work on it and also know I am definitely not a one man band when it comes to this issue. Lots of people my age are suffering from the same affliction; the inability to jump in with both feet and not concern myself with the consequences.

My theory is when I find someone that’s prepared to work me through this, warts ‘n’ all, I will then begin to change my mind set, I honestly don’t think it’s something we can do by ourselves. It’s discovering that person who’s willing to take on an emotional retard though, because I have to say I’ve been confronted with the prospect of taking on someone that had issues before and I’ve given it a whirl but now I prefer to just leg it in the other direction.

So I guess what I, and so many other people need, is someone that has their shit together, that isn’t afraid of saying it like it is, who’s prepared to bring me out of myself but is there anyone that isn’t twisted? I ruddy hope so. And I do honestly believe there is, because I’ve pushed many of them away before as I’ve not been ready to accept that.

Can people that class themselves as emotional retards recover and go on to lead a happy, contented and drama free life? In short, yes, but the first step is admitting you have the problem, second step is to find someone that can understand the problem and third step is to work on it, together.

You can remove the clamp, turn off the mute button and put yourself out there.

Don’t just be jealous of people that have the enviable ability to wear their heart on their sleeves, try to take a leaf out of their book and face your fears.

I am determined that in 2010 I am going to change, give up my friend that has kept me protected and cut loose.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What’s the worse that could happen? Keeping Kleennex in business? We all need to do our part to keep the economy afloat after all...

The self destruct button...

The bane of my dating life. An itch that I can’t seem to avoid scratching sometimes or maybe I’m just a rebel at heart and know I shouldn’t do it therefore I just can’t stop myself!

If you are one of the fortunate and illusive people that don’t have this affliction then I envy you and will explain to you the torturous nature of this dreaded dating disease. A lot of it stems down to a belief that things can never be easy, due to them having been difficult in the past, so those of us that suffer with this seem to need to cause a drama before we have drama thrown upon us.

Usually this will occur around the six month milestone but in some extreme cases it can happened much sooner. It comes in several forms, let’s list them.

1. Verbal faux pas; this is when you don’t engage brain before opening your port hole.

2. Physical gaffe; you either do something that causes swords to be drawn, your body language becomes cold or you throw a TV remote at them.

3. Nit picking; They seem perfect but they can’t be surely, you turn into a private investigator to discover their faults when there probably aren’t any. Failing to find some, you turn to making them up.

4. I’m a wally; You doubt their motives for being with you, you can’t possibly deserve to have someone this nice interested so they must be after - A. Your Money. B. Your Car. C. Your best mate. D. Your Soul. E. Your cat, contents of your fridge and Nintendo Wii. F. All of the above.

5. Loss of decorum; Something happens, let’s say they do something that’s slightly embarrassing for them. You forget yourself and either laugh so hard you pee, call them names, forget to prevent a look of horror / disgust descending across your face or worst of all, tell everyone.


Unfortunately all of the above are down to your own self confidence which is incredibly hard, no matter what all those self help books / websites / blogs tell you, to change but if you are honest and open with your new partner about the concerns of your short comings then they can help you address them. Now I am not saying that you should come across self loathing and say “I’ve got a really bad track record, I’ve done this, this, that, them” because that’s one way to set them running quickly in the other direction.

As I’ve said in other blogs having the “ex chat” should try to be avoided if at all possible, I see no positive aspect about going into great detail when it comes to your previous bad decisions and actions but what might need to be eventually mentioned is your reasoning behind doing whatever you did.

By this I mean if you don’t want to rush into things because you’re scared you might ruin it suggest you take things slowly. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take things a step at a time if this is going to help you gain confidence in yourself and your date. If they really like you then they’ll be prepared to take it at a pace you are comfortable with.

You do need to do the most daunting thing of all though, look inwardly. Not realising why you’ve hit the self destruct button in the past will only cause you to hover your finger over it again. It’s not a simple task of course but the best way to get to the root of your problems is talking about it with someone you trust, but not your partner, for now anyway. Turn to your close friends and face your fears, I’m willing to bet on the fact they’ll also echo what you are saying most of the time.

One thing you definitely shouldn’t do though is hide away from getting involved with someone just because of what has happened in the past. Everyone is different and just because your last relationship ended badly does not mean a new one will too. From each experience we gain knowledge and we must do the most obvious thing and learn from it. To do this we need to open our eyes to it.

So take off your goggles and have a ruddy good look, what you see won’t be half as horrific as you imagine it will be, I promise.