“The English simply cannot talk about sex without making a joke of it” - Kate Fox.

As part of my research for a client I am working for I am looking into the English culture and how we conduct ourselves on a daily basis. Although this article for them will not include our outlook on sex and dating my research has stumbled on people documenting our behaviour and it has certainly raised a few questions for me.

Kate Fox, who’s written in length about how the English react to certain social situations, basically believes that we are unable to talk about sex in a serious or straight forward manner but prefer to make “Carry-On” style jokes and quips about it to deflect our embarrassment. In some respects I agree with her, I’ve been guilty of spinning one liners about my sex life (see all previous blogs) in an attempt to deal with its consequences but I don’t believe every Englishmen is incapable of knowing what they want from their sex life and knowing how to get it.

English men have gained an unenviable reputation for being awful flirts, the term socially inept has been used to describe them by our international counterparts in the past. Our chat up lines are probably the worst around the world and we are often unable to talk to strangers in unfamiliar situations unlike the Americans for example. We are taught to be wary of people we don’t know, if you walked up to someone in a train station for example and attempted to strike up a conversation you would almost certainly be shot down with a look that could kill.

I spent three months in Florida not that long ago, for the majority of the time I was quite content toddling off exploring on my own but to begin with found it extremely unsettling at how many people were quite happy to chat away to me even though they’d never seen me before. Two months in and I began to let my guard down and return the initiation but certainly to start with I only reciprocated the conversation as I was on their turf and worried I might appear ignorant.

It is such an alien custom to the English to talk to strangers so how we have ever managed to keep our population going for so long is almost a mystery! My interaction with the American men was totally different to how English men approach me. I think in the 3 months I spent in Florida I got chatted up in bars etc more times than I have in a whole year in the UK. We have much stricter barriers when it comes to the do’s and don’ts of approaching the opposite sex, we dance around the issue quite awkwardly before any kind of direct contact is made. Thank god the internet came along when it did.

What would we do if flirting on the internet or via text messages wasn’t an option? Doesn’t really bare thinking about now we have it. I am a self confessed flirt, I am quite skilled when it comes to innuendos and eye fluttering, probably to the point where it has become to be an addiction but I know plenty of people both male and female that find it extremely difficult to put themselves out there. Is this because of our culture then? To be born in England makes us naturally designed to be totally crap at showing we are interested in the hot piece of ass holding the bar up?

Something else Kate Fox mentions in her book is what she called the “SAS test” which stands for “Sociability, Alcohol and Shared Interest” She certainly has a point about the need for alcohol when it comes to flirting. What she means by this is that you need each element for an English person to be successful at bagging a potential mate. So if you are in a bar for example you have the social aspect and the booze but you might not have the shared interest... they could be train spotters but you on the other hand could be a stamp collector. There’s no way of telling when you’re in your local pub. Transfer this into a club however each person is in there because they enjoy that type of music so you have an instant connection but another thing she rightly points out is the ‘too cool for school’ element that factors in when you’re in a nightclub, exceptionally so when it’s a specialist nightclub (not your cheesy pop 1’s and 2’s)

I know from first hand experience that certain types of people that are fully immersed into their favourite music can be pretentious to say the least. I’ve been part of that fraternity. My friends and I went regularly to a club to experience the music together, we certainly never went to “pull” and if anything it was frowned upon to be seen kissing or even flirting with someone whilst on the dance floor. You were there to listen and boogie, not to get your leg over.

I won’t warble on about all the other examples given but if you fancy reading more go and check it out at your library - ‘Watching the English’ by Kate Fox.

What I found most striking at the things I’ve read over the last few days is that if you were an outsider looking in the English would appear to see flirting / dating as an after thought and not a priority as other cultures might. Of course this isn’t the case but because we are instinctively an awkward race we prefer to outwardly focus on our hobbies, interests and friends for example rather than appear to be actively searching for a partner.

It begs the question why? Why is it seen as a taboo subject to be on the look out and trying to discover the person for you? Why do we see it as almost shameful?

Questions I am yet to discover the answers too... back to the drawing board for me.

Are you an emotional retard?

I am. I wasn’t but I’ve grown into being one. With each set back I’ve suffered through my dating existence and every notch it has etched out of me has turned me into an emotional oasis.

I laugh and joke about it with my friends and find some of my actions ridiculous but I have built this barrier that prevents me from saying certain words, paying someone compliments and admitting I might actually “like” (let’s not go too over the top and try to utter that other L word) a guy.

Getting someone interested in me (without sounding egotistical) isn’t a thing I find all that difficult. I’ve got a decent arse, I’ve managed to restrain myself from pigging out so much that I gain a muffin top and my face doesn’t look half bad either. I have a diploma in flirting and creating saucy innuendos but back me into a corner and ask me to vocalise my feelings for someone is another matter entirely.

Example; a guy tells me he loves spending time with me, I reply that I LIKE spending time with him too. I’m not even saying I love him but I can’t managed to instantly echo the sentiment. Ridiculous isn’t it? I want to say it but I appear to have a clamp in my mouth that prevents me. I wonder if I have to pay a fine to get rid of it?

I fear if I compliment a guy, he’ll assume I’m really into him and then lose interest, I would have put myself out there only to have the door slammed in my face and hear the words “actually, I’m not that bothered” = I am an emotional retard.

I am jealous of women that can be open about how they feel, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be a needy, squeaky, I love you and I’ve only known you a week girl, but I am jealous of people that are brave enough to lay it all out in the hope they’ll get something in return.

Maybe these people haven’t ever really failed, really experienced the anguish of something blowing up in their face, or maybe they are just so much stronger and believe the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”

The older I get the more cautious I get, to the point I am ruining possible relationships before they even begin and I annoy myself for it. Can I really put the blame on the men that have wronged me or is this totally my issue?

Another part of my problem is that I enjoy being single, an alien statement for those who don’t feel whole without someone on their arm, but I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet, have fun and not have to worry about all those sticky ‘feeling’ issues. I am aware that it’s not healthy to remain (and I hate this term) ‘alone’ for the rest of my days but how do you break the cycle of cut and run when it looks like it could be a goer?

I very much know I need to work on it and also know I am definitely not a one man band when it comes to this issue. Lots of people my age are suffering from the same affliction; the inability to jump in with both feet and not concern myself with the consequences.

My theory is when I find someone that’s prepared to work me through this, warts ‘n’ all, I will then begin to change my mind set, I honestly don’t think it’s something we can do by ourselves. It’s discovering that person who’s willing to take on an emotional retard though, because I have to say I’ve been confronted with the prospect of taking on someone that had issues before and I’ve given it a whirl but now I prefer to just leg it in the other direction.

So I guess what I, and so many other people need, is someone that has their shit together, that isn’t afraid of saying it like it is, who’s prepared to bring me out of myself but is there anyone that isn’t twisted? I ruddy hope so. And I do honestly believe there is, because I’ve pushed many of them away before as I’ve not been ready to accept that.

Can people that class themselves as emotional retards recover and go on to lead a happy, contented and drama free life? In short, yes, but the first step is admitting you have the problem, second step is to find someone that can understand the problem and third step is to work on it, together.

You can remove the clamp, turn off the mute button and put yourself out there.

Don’t just be jealous of people that have the enviable ability to wear their heart on their sleeves, try to take a leaf out of their book and face your fears.

I am determined that in 2010 I am going to change, give up my friend that has kept me protected and cut loose.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What’s the worse that could happen? Keeping Kleennex in business? We all need to do our part to keep the economy afloat after all...

Knowing when enough is enough...

I have always been brought up to try, try and try again until I get something right. In my career this of course is valuable advice but in my dating life it can sometimes become chokingly toxic.

When you’re fully submersed into a situation it can be so hard to see the wood for the trees and when you’ve invested time, emotions and your hopes into a relationship and into another person it can be almost impossible to know when to back off.

Luckily I can report this becomes easier, well not easier but more apparent, as you grow older. Many of my friends are also guilty of hanging on to the vain belief that things will improve and to the detriment of their own sanity.

So how do we know that we’re not getting everything we deserve? Of course relationships are hard work, you need to deal with compromises, we have to take stock of the others failings and figure out if we are able to accept them and work around them but when do we draw the line before we can no longer be true to ourselves?

When you’re in the new flush of a relationship and realise that you aren’t a good fit it can be all too easy to back off and walk away but what happens when you’re 6 months or 6 years in and the cracks have become craters that can no longer be patched up? If you’re still “young” in society’s (and the biological clock’s) eyes then it’s not the end of the world to jack it in and start again, it’s not quite so simple when you’re approaching the age when we’re are programmed to need to be in a partnership.

As my dating life has been littered with the wrong choices I’ve had to often face up to the reality that things aren’t giving me everything I should be entitled to but this has always been a thing that I’ve found tricky to notice. Maybe this is due to my own self doubts, what I believe I am deserving of and I’ve had to train myself not to settle for being treated as an after thought. Not a simple task by any means...

When you’ve had dating disasters and partners have made you feel less of a person by the end of it and taken you for everything you can possibly give, the shadow that is left afterwards can eclipse who you really can be. This is when a severe kick up the arse is required. You will need to call on your friends to boost your confidence in yourself and your decisions. You need to resist that nagging self doubt that you brought this on, that you asked for this to happen, because you didn’t.

A relationship ends, you are left feeling deflated and down trodden and it can take weeks, months or even years to be able to fully give yourself to someone again and by middle age you know these facts all too well. So does this mean that we can hang on to that toxic and flawed partnership just so we don’t have to face the truth? Yes, this is exactly why so many of us stay in something we know is bringing us out in metaphorical hives.

It does take great strength to utter the words “I’m done” but believe me once you manage to let that phrase leave your mouth the feeling of relief is enough to set you on the road to recovery. Like an epiphany you’ve been waiting for, clarity will come.

There are masses of factors that will determine how long it will take you to realise this person isn’t for you, that you’re not getting everything you deserve and that you need to draw a line under it. For stronger characters it can only take one or two warning signs, for those of us that want to believe things can be worked at to fix them it might take considerably longer but whatever type of person you are ignore that desire to be true to your relationship and for once be honest with yourself. You are amazing, there is someone out there that will also know you’re amazing and not make you feel like shit. You absolutely must continue to believe this.

Looking within yourself and stripping apart your feelings by giving yourself an emotional autopsy is painful, don’t get me wrong. With this pain comes strength and we must all remember, even those in happy and contented relationships, that when all is said and done, we only have ourselves to stand by.

When fate steps in...

The word “fate” is thrown around our society for all situations but never as much as it is when it comes to relationships, but do we really believe in it? And if we do, how come we so often ignore it?

When using the useful tool that is hindsight I see my relationship history littered with examples of “fate” some of which I took notice of, many I brushed under the carpet and later came to regret. If you look back on yours, how many times should you have taken notice of that feeling something just happened for a reason? That it was destined to change the course of your relationship. If you can’t immediately come up with examples you’re not looking properly, so let me divulge some of mine and I bet it helps jog your own memories.

One of the most notable times I think fate stepped in and helped me out was during a holiday with an boyfriend and my parents. This holiday wasn’t actually going to happened but for what might be a divine reason it got pushed ahead and we all set off for the sunshine. Now, let me set the scene; I’d been with this chap for quite some time, my mother thought he was ace and was secretly hoping for marriage, we seemed, on the surface, reasonably happy.

Add in two weeks in a foreign country with your parents and partner, family friends and differing personalities and you will soon be inflicted with many challenging situations. I did have a habit in my younger days of becoming utterly blinded when in a relationship, as several people do, but for whatever reason during our break away my blinkers were slowly removed from my eyes to reveal a massively failing relationship that I had been blissfully unaware of for months.

Obviously upon our return to the UK a break up was inevitable due to swallowing a massive dose of reality coupled with my mother bashing my head against sense and reason a few times whilst we were away and the relationship ended. After the fog and trauma of this lifted I began to realise something, whatever it was, had stepped in and made me smell the roses, that holiday happened for a reason.

I won’t bore you with lengthy details on other ways fate has pressed a stop or start button for me so let me just recap briefly; I’ve been dating someone and not planned to go out on an evening but for an unknown reason I’ve change my mind, gone out, and caught them with someone else. Then there was the time I’d logged onto a site for no particular reason and found my date chatting up other women. Or out of no where felt compelled to call my partner to find they weren’t where they’d said they’d be... I could go on and on.

Before we turn this into a hugely negative situation, look at the positives. If these things had not have happened I would have continued to be unaware that I was in a relationship with a prick and that would be bad. Yes, it’s horrible to find something out you weren’t expecting but in the same hand, wouldn’t you rather know?

Fate works in wonderful ways and does so to help us, not to stick the knife in as it might occasionally feel and let us not forget it can help us find a special someone too.

You’ve gone somewhere you hadn’t planned to, spoken to someone you didn’t intend to, taken a job, joined a group, done whatever that is usually out of your comfort zone but for some reason you can’t explain felt the need to do it and you’ve met someone because of that. Do you believe it’s just utter coincidence or maybe a higher power is pushing you in the right directions?

I don’t like to think my life is already predetermined because that’s just boring and we can of course ignore that little thing telling us to go to that bar or sign up to that site, we can resist all we like but if we just gave fate a chance could our love lives turn into an exciting adventure rather than a monotonous hum drum?

Honestly, I believe there is a thing none of us can understand that guides us to our destiny, the bad relationships happen to teach us to appreciate the good ones. The mistakes we make help us become stronger and more balanced. The frogs we have to kiss ensure we know once we pucker up for our Prince. Everything in life is part of a rich tapestry, one we should appreciate for all its colours, the dark and the light.

Most importantly, don’t ignore your instincts, don’t run away from fate just because you think it might be nonsense. What are you afraid of? Life is too short to not tune into the chances that come your way.

Let fate step in.

The self destruct button...

The bane of my dating life. An itch that I can’t seem to avoid scratching sometimes or maybe I’m just a rebel at heart and know I shouldn’t do it therefore I just can’t stop myself!

If you are one of the fortunate and illusive people that don’t have this affliction then I envy you and will explain to you the torturous nature of this dreaded dating disease. A lot of it stems down to a belief that things can never be easy, due to them having been difficult in the past, so those of us that suffer with this seem to need to cause a drama before we have drama thrown upon us.

Usually this will occur around the six month milestone but in some extreme cases it can happened much sooner. It comes in several forms, let’s list them.

1. Verbal faux pas; this is when you don’t engage brain before opening your port hole.

2. Physical gaffe; you either do something that causes swords to be drawn, your body language becomes cold or you throw a TV remote at them.

3. Nit picking; They seem perfect but they can’t be surely, you turn into a private investigator to discover their faults when there probably aren’t any. Failing to find some, you turn to making them up.

4. I’m a wally; You doubt their motives for being with you, you can’t possibly deserve to have someone this nice interested so they must be after - A. Your Money. B. Your Car. C. Your best mate. D. Your Soul. E. Your cat, contents of your fridge and Nintendo Wii. F. All of the above.

5. Loss of decorum; Something happens, let’s say they do something that’s slightly embarrassing for them. You forget yourself and either laugh so hard you pee, call them names, forget to prevent a look of horror / disgust descending across your face or worst of all, tell everyone.


Unfortunately all of the above are down to your own self confidence which is incredibly hard, no matter what all those self help books / websites / blogs tell you, to change but if you are honest and open with your new partner about the concerns of your short comings then they can help you address them. Now I am not saying that you should come across self loathing and say “I’ve got a really bad track record, I’ve done this, this, that, them” because that’s one way to set them running quickly in the other direction.

As I’ve said in other blogs having the “ex chat” should try to be avoided if at all possible, I see no positive aspect about going into great detail when it comes to your previous bad decisions and actions but what might need to be eventually mentioned is your reasoning behind doing whatever you did.

By this I mean if you don’t want to rush into things because you’re scared you might ruin it suggest you take things slowly. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take things a step at a time if this is going to help you gain confidence in yourself and your date. If they really like you then they’ll be prepared to take it at a pace you are comfortable with.

You do need to do the most daunting thing of all though, look inwardly. Not realising why you’ve hit the self destruct button in the past will only cause you to hover your finger over it again. It’s not a simple task of course but the best way to get to the root of your problems is talking about it with someone you trust, but not your partner, for now anyway. Turn to your close friends and face your fears, I’m willing to bet on the fact they’ll also echo what you are saying most of the time.

One thing you definitely shouldn’t do though is hide away from getting involved with someone just because of what has happened in the past. Everyone is different and just because your last relationship ended badly does not mean a new one will too. From each experience we gain knowledge and we must do the most obvious thing and learn from it. To do this we need to open our eyes to it.

So take off your goggles and have a ruddy good look, what you see won’t be half as horrific as you imagine it will be, I promise.

If only there was a rewind button...

How many times have you wished that? Pulled an absolute clanger and been desperate to drag those loaded words back into your mouth or erase a memory of something you stupidly did? Once or twice I’d imagine!

Hindsight is a beautiful thing when it comes to dating and not always one we refer back to as much as we should in the future. I’ve often thought when things have gone wrong with a partner “I’ll remember this for next time” but nine times out of ten I forget or worse still repeat the pattern anyway thinking it might be different.

I’ve grown up being brutally honest, if someone asks me a question I may try to skirt around it if it’s really personal but I’m more than likely to blurt out the truth, especially after a few glasses of red. So who’s fault is it if my new date asks how many people I’ve slept with and then proceeds to get the hump on? Or asks if my friend has ever been more than a friend and I reply “yes but we’re just mates now” but this isn’t enough so whenever said friend is mentioned I get the daggers darting into my head? Is it my fault for being honest? Or his fault for asking me in the first place?

The question of honesty in a new relationship is a tricky one, you don’t want to lie to them but also should you be careful about how truthful you are? Selecting which pieces of your life you lay out for them is littered with hurdles but probably the safest method is to start as if nothing has come before them. Of course, unless you’ve saved yourself for marriage, each of you know you’ve been with people before but they don’t need to know any details.

Ladies; if you ask your new partner about his ex make sure you can handle what he might say, especially if he tells you they are still friends. No matter who you are and how much you might be falling in love with him, you know for sure that green eyed monster is bound to pop up sometime if you know all the nitty and the gritty.

I’ve been guilty of naivety on many occasions, when it comes to my ex’s all bar one I couldn’t give two hoots about. When I say that I don’t mean I want harm to come of them, well maybe one or two, but if I saw them on a night out there would be zero heart fluttering going on and the one I do still care about is only because it was a bit of an epic relationship and I want to see him happy; with someone else I might add. There’s been flings with friends too, all of which I’m still friends with, but nothing would ever happen with them again but I think sometimes when I end up (accidently) divulging this information to anyone they don’t view it as I do.... and I don’t realise it.

What my key point here is; don’t forget that some things that you see as plain and simple others see as a whole world of complications. So it’s up to you to either explain otherwise or keep your trap shut. Or, like me, swim in the sea of “me and my big mouth”.

Let’s say you’ve stuck you foot firmly into your gullet, the words have left your mouth, their face drops, you realise what you’ve just said and you either scramble for words to override that thought that’s now spinning at 100 mph around their head or fall into an extremely awkward silence, what’s the game plan? Probably the most tried and tested “fix it” method is groveling but it’s hit and miss, especially if you haven’t been dating long and you’re yet to wow them with your sparkling personality. Always remember one wrong thing cancels out at least five good things, so you’ll need to do a whopping ten amazing things to pull it back from the brink.

I tend to go for the “pretend it never happened” method and let me tell you, it’s rarely successful but I’m often too much of a wimp to ask them if I annoyed them because this means having to bring up the thing I did / said again, a mind field if by some stroke of luck they have forgotten about it. Bringing it up also means having the think on your toes if they start interrogating you on what it meant. Luckily for me I’m dealing with men and as we’re all know most of the time the males are the least likely to want to trawl over something. Women, some of them anyway, feel it necessary to intricately scrutinise each stage of whatever drama is unfolding.

So which is the best method? The scariest probably; being open and honest. If your partner has pissed you off, tell them, but do it in a way that isn’t going to cause WW3 or launch a bazooka at their feelings. We’re all guilty of reply “nothing” when asked what’s wrong and occasionally I’ll admit it’s easier for all concerned to ignore and move on but sometimes letting something smolder under the surface is only a short time from an almighty “KABOOM”

There’s actually a term for this method, it’s called “charging neutral” which means to approach a sensitive and important subject in a calm manner, keeping your volume levels soft as well as your body language, the words you use are in a non confrontational manner and at all times keeping a lid on your temper but most vitally, not ignoring them.

Women, myself included, can find men inordinately frustrating when things hit a tricky spot. All my experiences have been that they do everything within their powers to avoid ever mentioning anything. This is absolutely fine with me if that’s how they want to play it but not if this then means I’m just given the cold shoulder or forced to stare at a descended bottom lip for weeks.

If like me you have relationship tourrettes then you will need to take stock of how you feel comfortable dealing with your mess ups. The most important thing to address is; are they worth it? If they are and they think you are, it shouldn’t be a problem unless you blurt out they are the ugliest person you’ve ever laid eyes on and they are a wet lettuce in bed, but let’s face it, if that’s true, walk away now.

I do live in hope “when” I find the person that I’m going to be with for the rest of my life I’ll stop wishing for a rewind button but reality and experience probably proves me otherwise. So for now I’m winging it. If I decide the person is worthy of my groveling, I’ll grovel and bake a hell of a lot of cakes.

The unanswerable questions...

Falling in love is one of the most natural things known to man, a right of passage you might say, but does that make it easy? Of course not. It might be something we’re all meant to experience but it’s quickly becoming like the holy grail for singles. Has it always been like this or now, thanks to the internet, is it just more noticeable and talked about?

Our culture might not be one that is formally into arranged marriages but in days gone by parents were often involved in choosing partners for their offspring. True love this might not be, but it certainly tipped the odds in your favour for at least finding someone to make you a brew in the morning.

Now, as we approach our 30s and still remain perched on the proverbial shelf, a sense of panic and confusion is often descended upon us. We sail through our 20s popping from one relationship to another without too much problem but when the notion hits that we’re reaching an age where we should be seen to settle down and find “the one” we seem to lose our ability to know how to find anyone, let alone the partner we are meant to spend the rest of our days with.

For many of us the realisation that we really have no clue comes as a shock and throws us in two different directions. Either we scramble for anyone that will put up with us and settle for just not being alone or we become more frustrated at the fact it appears to get even harder to find someone you click with as you enter your more responsible phase of life.

Depressing? Yes! Thankfully our human nature often means we remain hopeful that fate will step in, we’re destined to bump into the love of our lives in the local supermarket or maybe you’ll meet them through a new friend. For many this uncertainty has lead them to joining dating sites, attending speed dating events or turning to work colleagues or networking groups to meet potential partners.

As I am single I’ve been intrigued by the ways people are resorting to for the chance of meeting other singles and I can safely say I’ve been astonished by the amount of my own friends who have turned to dating sites. It seems the once taboo or embarrassing admission of signing up to one of these sites is diminishing at an astounding rate.

I’d bet my last rolo on the fact that out of every friendship group at least a few people will have profiles on the various free and subscription sites that are out there. Does this mean we are now more proactive in finding a partner or does it mean that the internet, mobile phones and other new ways of communicating with each other has actually spiraled out of control so we no longer feel capable of speaking to strangers in person?

This has all happened within a massively short space of time. I’m only 27 but I can clearly remember when a guy wanted to ask you out he had to call your home number and possibly have to encounter your parents, take the leap of asking in person or, wait for it, write a love letter. Are these changes for the better? Or worse?

With the women’s rights revolution females have naturally become much more independent and forthright with what they want out of life. This has had a dramatic affect on dating, now women ask men out, they chase their target in more open ways than ever before which of course can mean they are more likely to get what they want. Has this meant that men are being robbed of their alpha male rights? Does an independent, confident and successful woman intimidate some men?

It shouldn’t right? But, I can say from personal experience, it does. As much as we all love to believe we are living in a world where everyone is equal, that men appreciate a woman being able to care for herself and women like to wear a badge of self sufficiency if everyone was utterly truthful the majority of men would admit that they like to be protective over their partner and to feel they are the provider and with women we really do, no matter how “strong” we appear to be, want to feel safe and taken care of.

For a woman in today’s society to admit she doesn’t feel “whole” without a man at her side is almost tantamount to admitting you’re weak and would be greeted by disapproving looks from alpha females (that probably feel the same anyway but of course would not vocalise it, with me being one of them) and for a man to say he didn’t want a woman that earned more than him or was more successful is basically enough to bring back capital punishment.

So have all the lessons our parents learnt about finding a partner become obsolete? Are we playing a whole different game these days? In my opinion, we’re not, it’s exactly the same as it has been for thousands of years, we’re all just in denial.

Google “dating advice” and you’ll find over 43 million pages handing out the dos and don’ts. Have we become a generation of over analysers? Is there actually a tried and tested format on how to bag a mate? Of course not! The beauty of the human race is that we are all different, what one man likes another won’t, what impresses one woman will revolt another. Am I getting more depressing? Sorry...

Let me be the brave one here and lay out my dating disasters for you to pull apart. Firstly the types of men that have entered and left my life. I’ve had the pleasure (said with an undertone of sarcasm) of experiencing the commitmentphobes, the ones that declare their love for me after minutes which leads me to leg it in the other direction quicker than you can say “laters”, the ones that blow hot and cold, the game players, the emotional retards and the pièce de résistance; the controllers.

Naturally the above has lead to be being rather cautious and cynical with new people I meet, and of course this will be the same with men, I know many bunny boiler females myself! So how can you spot someone that’s going to be a pain in the backside? Or just more hard work than they are worth? How should you play it?

As I don’t profess to be any kind of dating guru, far from it, I’m just as clueless as everyone else and because of this I’ve endeavored to question a few friends to try and gain a general consensus. Here’s what I’ve discovered...

I had hoped that there would be a definitive divide between men and women’s opinions and although there is some interesting opposites, there is no clear “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” proclamation.

Let’s begin with people’s opinion on game playing. I am personally in the corner of hating this, as are many other women. The only time we participate is when it’s obvious a guy needs to taste his own medicine and shall we not forget it is in a woman’s genes to be manipulative, so gents; play at your peril.

Unsurprisingly the only people to agree that the “two day rule” still exists and works are the males of our species, but in the same hand I was encouraged to find that a good percentage of maturer guys did see this clandestine and unspoken tactic as pointless. If you like someone, tell them, don’t mess around in the hope that leaving it for exactly 48 hours before contacting them again will do anything but annoy and frustrate your potential mate.

Of course this does not mean to take it to the extreme and call/text/email the guy (because let’s face it ladies, it’s us that are guilty of too much contact) every waking minute of the day. So does this mean playing it cool at least is still of paramount importance? I feel slightly hypocritical in divulging my answer here but yes, there’s a balance to be found when it comes to laying yourself out and making yourself available. Fool proof way of finding this balance is like seeing rocking horse sh*t but go with your instincts here, if your new interest seems to enjoy daily contact, go for it, if they prefer a little more space then adjust. Remember my point earlier; we are all different. What might have worked with your last partner maybe a hop, skip and a jump to a dump with your latest so pay attention to them, not what someone tells you to in Cosmo.

One very general statement that’s bounded around in today’s media is that men are only after sex. Women are tuned to be wary of what a man’s intentions are from a very young age. Of course there are men out there that purely want to get their leg over, but there are women that only want causal flings too so why do we tarnish men with something that often isn’t the case? Is it because we are told men have a primal urge to sow their seed? When really men want companionship as much as women do? Or am I being too hopeful in believing that?

Maybe my friend’s aren’t a varied enough catchment to gain a clear picture from but out of 14 guys only 1 admitted that he is only after a tumble in the sack. All 13 others wanted more, not necessarily marriage or full blown commitment but all of them wanted to meet a girl they got on with and wanted it to get past a few dates. Most also all said they wouldn’t sleep with a girl on the first date. So does that eradicate what we’ve been told all this time? Are men really getting a bad rap they don’t deserve?

I think so many magazines and online articles try to give blanket solutions to common problems to glaze over the fact that there is no clear right and wrong when it comes to dating. If they told us that they haven’t got all the answers either would they actually make any sales? Who wants to read that there is no rule book and you really just have to wing it, be prepared to ruin it and maybe, if you’re lucky, get it bob on.

Isn’t that half the fun though? I’m a great believer that if everything was presented to us on a silver platter we’d very quickly get bored and go for something else that was a challenge to receive. Although “the chase” and the first date can be one of the most intimidating, frightening and generally traumatic times when you’re entering a possible relationship, does it not make it all the sweeter when those nerves and trepidation turn into excitement and more importantly, love? Of course if it doesn’t work out we have to deal with rejection and disappointment but that is life so why can’t we all just be prepared to deal with it?

Taking the rough with the smooth doesn’t sound appealing to some people and these are usually the over analysers, the ones that want to pick everything apart to find the nucleus of the situation so they can manipulate it into something they want it to be. Here’s a revelation, if you do this you’re heading for disaster, I guarantee it. I have watched so many friends, men and women included, dissect their love life to the point where they don’t know their top from their bottom. The only loser in this will be you. There will come a point where you are so confused you start to self destruct, people must learn to take things as they come. Easy to say it, not easy to do of course.

Our generation has become one that craves answers, we want to know why things happen, how things work and we demand to be able to figure things out. We aren’t happy with the answer “that’s just how it is” and this has made us glutenous when it comes to even the most undefinable things in life.

So, let’s say for instance you do bag a mate, you’ve been dating for a few weeks and everything seems to be going well. Then out of nowhere (it seems) your new interest goes cold or maybe starts acting differently, or even you wake up on morning and realise you’ve made a huge mistake. Here goes the questions again; why did she do that? why did (n’t) he say that? Do they still like me? Do I really like them? That thing I said, has that ruined it?

Then creeps in the paranoia, oh that bit is the best. Your new relationship is barely out of the wrapper and already you are probably both reading well too much into, possibly doubting each other’s sincerity and generally rubbishing it before it even starts.

Or there’s the other situation that we all believe is out there. You meet across a crowded room, it’s love at first sight, instant attraction, the chemistry is so strong you’re saving a fortune on energy bills. Now you may sense a slight bit of cynicism in my tone here. It’s not that don’t believe there can be an instant attraction and craving for someone else, what I believe is that some people are predisposed to hitting the self destruct button even if there is.

I’m more of the latter, I do have a habit of not engaging brain before opening my mouth or reacting wrongly to something that’s said. Then, when I’m usually a very rational and sane individual, start worrying about how I’m perceived, if I should / shouldn’t say things and the more I think about this the worse it gets. Luckily as I’ve grown older I’ve learnt to put a mute button on these thoughts but every now and then when something doesn’t happen as you’d planned it that annoying voice pipes up “what happened there, should I apologise, should I ignore it, why do I feel like that” etc etc blah blah. I was under the assumption that it was just women that obsess over their date’s behaviour but I can confirm, in some instances, this is not the case! Men too become riddled with unanswerable questions or ones they wouldn’t dare vocalise.

What I am saying is this; getting a date is the really easy part, trust me. It’s hanging onto a partner that’s the tricky bit. Therefore meeting in the right circumstance for you, being true to yourself and trying your very best to not press that button that says; “DO NOT PRESS ELSE THIS’LL BE RUINED” is how to do it. If it feels right let it feel right, if it feels wrong, don’t put Savlon on it and hope the stinging goes away.

My final thought on this matter, and this is mainly aimed at the ladies; put down that self help guide, move away from hitting “search” on Google after you’ve typed in “dating advice”, take a step out into the world, sign up to a dating site, have your mates set you up with someone, whatever it is, best foot forward and give it a go. The only way to become a master at dating and find yourself a match is to dive in!