Falling in love is one of the most natural things known to man, a right of passage you might say, but does that make it easy? Of course not. It might be something we’re all meant to experience but it’s quickly becoming like the holy grail for singles. Has it always been like this or now, thanks to the internet, is it just more noticeable and talked about?
Our culture might not be one that is formally into arranged marriages but in days gone by parents were often involved in choosing partners for their offspring. True love this might not be, but it certainly tipped the odds in your favour for at least finding someone to make you a brew in the morning.
Now, as we approach our 30s and still remain perched on the proverbial shelf, a sense of panic and confusion is often descended upon us. We sail through our 20s popping from one relationship to another without too much problem but when the notion hits that we’re reaching an age where we should be seen to settle down and find “the one” we seem to lose our ability to know how to find anyone, let alone the partner we are meant to spend the rest of our days with.
For many of us the realisation that we really have no clue comes as a shock and throws us in two different directions. Either we scramble for anyone that will put up with us and settle for just not being alone or we become more frustrated at the fact it appears to get even harder to find someone you click with as you enter your more responsible phase of life.
Depressing? Yes! Thankfully our human nature often means we remain hopeful that fate will step in, we’re destined to bump into the love of our lives in the local supermarket or maybe you’ll meet them through a new friend. For many this uncertainty has lead them to joining dating sites, attending speed dating events or turning to work colleagues or networking groups to meet potential partners.
As I am single I’ve been intrigued by the ways people are resorting to for the chance of meeting other singles and I can safely say I’ve been astonished by the amount of my own friends who have turned to dating sites. It seems the once taboo or embarrassing admission of signing up to one of these sites is diminishing at an astounding rate.
I’d bet my last rolo on the fact that out of every friendship group at least a few people will have profiles on the various free and subscription sites that are out there. Does this mean we are now more proactive in finding a partner or does it mean that the internet, mobile phones and other new ways of communicating with each other has actually spiraled out of control so we no longer feel capable of speaking to strangers in person?
This has all happened within a massively short space of time. I’m only 27 but I can clearly remember when a guy wanted to ask you out he had to call your home number and possibly have to encounter your parents, take the leap of asking in person or, wait for it, write a love letter. Are these changes for the better? Or worse?
With the women’s rights revolution females have naturally become much more independent and forthright with what they want out of life. This has had a dramatic affect on dating, now women ask men out, they chase their target in more open ways than ever before which of course can mean they are more likely to get what they want. Has this meant that men are being robbed of their alpha male rights? Does an independent, confident and successful woman intimidate some men?
It shouldn’t right? But, I can say from personal experience, it does. As much as we all love to believe we are living in a world where everyone is equal, that men appreciate a woman being able to care for herself and women like to wear a badge of self sufficiency if everyone was utterly truthful the majority of men would admit that they like to be protective over their partner and to feel they are the provider and with women we really do, no matter how “strong” we appear to be, want to feel safe and taken care of.
For a woman in today’s society to admit she doesn’t feel “whole” without a man at her side is almost tantamount to admitting you’re weak and would be greeted by disapproving looks from alpha females (that probably feel the same anyway but of course would not vocalise it, with me being one of them) and for a man to say he didn’t want a woman that earned more than him or was more successful is basically enough to bring back capital punishment.
So have all the lessons our parents learnt about finding a partner become obsolete? Are we playing a whole different game these days? In my opinion, we’re not, it’s exactly the same as it has been for thousands of years, we’re all just in denial.
Google “dating advice” and you’ll find over 43 million pages handing out the dos and don’ts. Have we become a generation of over analysers? Is there actually a tried and tested format on how to bag a mate? Of course not! The beauty of the human race is that we are all different, what one man likes another won’t, what impresses one woman will revolt another. Am I getting more depressing? Sorry...
Let me be the brave one here and lay out my dating disasters for you to pull apart. Firstly the types of men that have entered and left my life. I’ve had the pleasure (said with an undertone of sarcasm) of experiencing the commitmentphobes, the ones that declare their love for me after minutes which leads me to leg it in the other direction quicker than you can say “laters”, the ones that blow hot and cold, the game players, the emotional retards and the pièce de résistance; the controllers.
Naturally the above has lead to be being rather cautious and cynical with new people I meet, and of course this will be the same with men, I know many bunny boiler females myself! So how can you spot someone that’s going to be a pain in the backside? Or just more hard work than they are worth? How should you play it?
As I don’t profess to be any kind of dating guru, far from it, I’m just as clueless as everyone else and because of this I’ve endeavored to question a few friends to try and gain a general consensus. Here’s what I’ve discovered...
I had hoped that there would be a definitive divide between men and women’s opinions and although there is some interesting opposites, there is no clear “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” proclamation.
Let’s begin with people’s opinion on game playing. I am personally in the corner of hating this, as are many other women. The only time we participate is when it’s obvious a guy needs to taste his own medicine and shall we not forget it is in a woman’s genes to be manipulative, so gents; play at your peril.
Unsurprisingly the only people to agree that the “two day rule” still exists and works are the males of our species, but in the same hand I was encouraged to find that a good percentage of maturer guys did see this clandestine and unspoken tactic as pointless. If you like someone, tell them, don’t mess around in the hope that leaving it for exactly 48 hours before contacting them again will do anything but annoy and frustrate your potential mate.
Of course this does not mean to take it to the extreme and call/text/email the guy (because let’s face it ladies, it’s us that are guilty of too much contact) every waking minute of the day. So does this mean playing it cool at least is still of paramount importance? I feel slightly hypocritical in divulging my answer here but yes, there’s a balance to be found when it comes to laying yourself out and making yourself available. Fool proof way of finding this balance is like seeing rocking horse sh*t but go with your instincts here, if your new interest seems to enjoy daily contact, go for it, if they prefer a little more space then adjust. Remember my point earlier; we are all different. What might have worked with your last partner maybe a hop, skip and a jump to a dump with your latest so pay attention to them, not what someone tells you to in Cosmo.
One very general statement that’s bounded around in today’s media is that men are only after sex. Women are tuned to be wary of what a man’s intentions are from a very young age. Of course there are men out there that purely want to get their leg over, but there are women that only want causal flings too so why do we tarnish men with something that often isn’t the case? Is it because we are told men have a primal urge to sow their seed? When really men want companionship as much as women do? Or am I being too hopeful in believing that?
Maybe my friend’s aren’t a varied enough catchment to gain a clear picture from but out of 14 guys only 1 admitted that he is only after a tumble in the sack. All 13 others wanted more, not necessarily marriage or full blown commitment but all of them wanted to meet a girl they got on with and wanted it to get past a few dates. Most also all said they wouldn’t sleep with a girl on the first date. So does that eradicate what we’ve been told all this time? Are men really getting a bad rap they don’t deserve?
I think so many magazines and online articles try to give blanket solutions to common problems to glaze over the fact that there is no clear right and wrong when it comes to dating. If they told us that they haven’t got all the answers either would they actually make any sales? Who wants to read that there is no rule book and you really just have to wing it, be prepared to ruin it and maybe, if you’re lucky, get it bob on.
Isn’t that half the fun though? I’m a great believer that if everything was presented to us on a silver platter we’d very quickly get bored and go for something else that was a challenge to receive. Although “the chase” and the first date can be one of the most intimidating, frightening and generally traumatic times when you’re entering a possible relationship, does it not make it all the sweeter when those nerves and trepidation turn into excitement and more importantly, love? Of course if it doesn’t work out we have to deal with rejection and disappointment but that is life so why can’t we all just be prepared to deal with it?
Taking the rough with the smooth doesn’t sound appealing to some people and these are usually the over analysers, the ones that want to pick everything apart to find the nucleus of the situation so they can manipulate it into something they want it to be. Here’s a revelation, if you do this you’re heading for disaster, I guarantee it. I have watched so many friends, men and women included, dissect their love life to the point where they don’t know their top from their bottom. The only loser in this will be you. There will come a point where you are so confused you start to self destruct, people must learn to take things as they come. Easy to say it, not easy to do of course.
Our generation has become one that craves answers, we want to know why things happen, how things work and we demand to be able to figure things out. We aren’t happy with the answer “that’s just how it is” and this has made us glutenous when it comes to even the most undefinable things in life.
So, let’s say for instance you do bag a mate, you’ve been dating for a few weeks and everything seems to be going well. Then out of nowhere (it seems) your new interest goes cold or maybe starts acting differently, or even you wake up on morning and realise you’ve made a huge mistake. Here goes the questions again; why did she do that? why did (n’t) he say that? Do they still like me? Do I really like them? That thing I said, has that ruined it?
Then creeps in the paranoia, oh that bit is the best. Your new relationship is barely out of the wrapper and already you are probably both reading well too much into, possibly doubting each other’s sincerity and generally rubbishing it before it even starts.
Or there’s the other situation that we all believe is out there. You meet across a crowded room, it’s love at first sight, instant attraction, the chemistry is so strong you’re saving a fortune on energy bills. Now you may sense a slight bit of cynicism in my tone here. It’s not that don’t believe there can be an instant attraction and craving for someone else, what I believe is that some people are predisposed to hitting the self destruct button even if there is.
I’m more of the latter, I do have a habit of not engaging brain before opening my mouth or reacting wrongly to something that’s said. Then, when I’m usually a very rational and sane individual, start worrying about how I’m perceived, if I should / shouldn’t say things and the more I think about this the worse it gets. Luckily as I’ve grown older I’ve learnt to put a mute button on these thoughts but every now and then when something doesn’t happen as you’d planned it that annoying voice pipes up “what happened there, should I apologise, should I ignore it, why do I feel like that” etc etc blah blah. I was under the assumption that it was just women that obsess over their date’s behaviour but I can confirm, in some instances, this is not the case! Men too become riddled with unanswerable questions or ones they wouldn’t dare vocalise.
What I am saying is this; getting a date is the really easy part, trust me. It’s hanging onto a partner that’s the tricky bit. Therefore meeting in the right circumstance for you, being true to yourself and trying your very best to not press that button that says; “DO NOT PRESS ELSE THIS’LL BE RUINED” is how to do it. If it feels right let it feel right, if it feels wrong, don’t put Savlon on it and hope the stinging goes away.
My final thought on this matter, and this is mainly aimed at the ladies; put down that self help guide, move away from hitting “search” on Google after you’ve typed in “dating advice”, take a step out into the world, sign up to a dating site, have your mates set you up with someone, whatever it is, best foot forward and give it a go. The only way to become a master at dating and find yourself a match is to dive in!
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