We’re all going on a summer holiday.

Firstly I better sincerely apologise for my lack of content over the last month, I’ve been on holiday and been struck down by an almighty stomach bug which I won’t give you the details of but put it this way; those 3lbs I put on whilst on holiday, gone.

I went to the Dominican Republic for my sunshine retreat, a tropical paradise I was lead to believe. This jaunt was to celebrate my mother’s 65th birthday so we thought somewhere to sunbathe, get spa treatments and just eat would do nicely. If you’ve ever been on holiday with a parent as you approach your 30’s and you’re single you will know what this can lead to; couple envy.

Where ever you pick to go away, doesn’t matter if it’s a beach holiday or a winter break you can guarantee that lovey dovey couples will be everywhere, shoving their bonking bliss in your face and this will plummet you into either pining after a lost love or have you scoping out for any other single that might be cute enough after a few cocktails.

Even when you go with a friend for example I will bet my last Rolo on the fact you’ll spend most of the time talking about your dirty rotten ex or that guy you simply must pursue on your return to Blighty. Being away with a parent is worse though, especially a mother, even more so mine.

I’m pretty honest with mine about my love life, I don’t go into the intimate details but she knows who’s featuring at the moment and what I feel about things that are happening. This however does not stop her suggesting I find someone suitable (less hard work) to settle down with. She has a very good memory when it comes to the men who have shown interest in me, a few have ticked the “would make a great son-in-law” box and she takes great pleasure in reminding me of these gents when things aren’t going to plan.

Unfortunately even though these “perfect” men aren’t for me, much to the disappointment of my dear Mama, when one texts me, who I haven’t heard from in months, whilst on my barren holiday for a nano second I am entertaining the idea of giving it another go... That’s what holidays do to me, turn me into a desperado.

You’re enjoying a beautiful walk down a breath taking bay just as the sun is rising, you should be thinking about the scenery, the wonders of nature but you’re not. You’re thinking; “I wish so-n-so was here”

It didn’t help that on this holiday for the first four days it fricking pissed it down and I was stuck playing cards and dominos inside for what seemed like eternity. Far too much time to think which led to far too many ridiculous thoughts and notions whirling around in my already vivid imagination. Are holidays a good idea when you are single? Of course the single girl and guy are 100% entitled to a holiday but when you reach a certain age where a boozy trip with 20 of your mates is no longer an option, mostly because half of them now have sprogs, is it a good idea to inflict this on yourself? Does it help or hinder?

I have had holidays where it’s been great to get away from certain situations in my life but I’ve also had others where being away from it has made it much, much worse. Beach holidays are the main culprit here. If you are on an adventure break with so many things to do and you don’t have time to think, you’re onto a winner. If you’re lounging around listening to Zero 7 then you’ve bagged yourself a one-way ticket to living hell.

The Dominican Republic is absolutely not a place for singles. In the resort we stayed in everyone was either on honeymoon, in the first blushes of romance, a 40 tonne heifer or gay. I was definitely thankful for the beautiful gay men at the end of it, something lovely to look at and wonderful company to bitch with. The heifers made me feel like a super model so they can come again but the ones that really pissed me off were the first blushes, one couple particularly.

The lady in question was your ultimate try hard, she was seriously over doing the attempt to be sexy and attentive thing. I had to restrain myself from going over and giving her a piece of my mind, it was pitiful. Although by the second day of us finally getting sunshine I did become slightly schadenfreude at the fact she had managed to give herself third degree burns with a token white stripe down both sides where she’d forgotten to turn over properly. Not so sexy now biatch. They were obviously in the very early stages on their relationship where things are all amazing, you don’t know your partner has deep, dark secrets and is about to turn your world upside down and completely wreck your eternal emotional stability and forever render you in a vast void of questions, paranoia and insecurities.

Ahem.... shit. Excuse me, the stomach bug coupled with the fact I’ve not eaten in two days made that outburst happen. Resuming sane behaviour... now.

My point is; when you are single and on holiday, surrounded by couples you can’t resist but to pick apart and analyse their body language, what type of couple you think they are and whether they will last. Well, you do if your single and female anyway.

Holidays aren’t meant to be depressing so if you are sans partner and intending a trip away with someone who might have the ability to push you into a cloud of self analysis, stay away from the quiet beach break. Go for a city break, they are much safer. You’re much more likely to find people that will interest and entertain you and it’s not so hard to escape the smoochy poochy pairs that you want to pour a pint of ice water over.

Best places I’ve been where thoughts of unrequited love have rarely entered my head; NYC, Vegas, Rome, Dublin, Miami, Madrid, Amsterdam and Key West. I spent far too much time sight seeing, shopping, eating and generally exploring to give a damn about the drama I’d left at home.

Take my advice, unless you’re young enough to get insanely out of it on the White Isle with 50 people you hardly know and come home not remembering a thing put the “Beach Break” brochure down and stick to the notion that you’re going on holiday for culture and not to spend it on a sun lounger, throwing yourself into a depression greater than 1926 and thinking of plots to rid the world of happy people.

Buy a map, a comfy pair of walking shoes and bloody well get moving. Stay still and you’ll go bonkers.

Oh, one more thing. Pack a mac, dominos wears thin after about 30 minutes.

Duck and cover, that day is on the horizon.

So the number one dreaded day for singles is upon us, anti Valentine's Day groups are appearing all over the web, scorned women are organising gatherings to burn reminders of their lost loves and every shop in the land looks like its interior decorations have been based on a giddy teenage girl’s doodle book.

I’ve never been a fan of the 14th February, whether I’m in a relationship or not, it’s like NYE but with heart shaped chocolates that taste like dog treats and half dead flowers that cost the earth. You can never get a reservation at the restaurant you want to and even if you do, your dinner is spoilt by the vomit inducing sight of two spotty teenagers in the first blush of lust who know nothing about all the shit that’s coming their way.

Gosh that makes me sound bitter doesn’t it? I’m not (well maybe a little) but I disagree about the fact that so much pressure and cost is put on a couple (and singles) for one day of the year.

Singles are put under forced house arrest for the day and for weeks before are made to feel like they are being pitied as they walk down the aisle that’s littered with cards for “The best person in the world” with their focus remaining firmly forward and not purchasing anything. Just a reminder that you aren’t anyone’s “special person” laced with glitter and images of cute cuddly cats. Do you stop to pretend you’re looking for a card just to avoid their “poor you” eyes?

Every email I’ve got in the last few weeks from companies I loyally buy from have insulted me. All of the promotions they have on offer are for the loved up elite, what about us lot that are going to be dining for one eh? No special discounts for us? Single-ist behaviour if I’ve ever seen it! I might sue.

You can’t get away from the bloody saga, even when I’m out on a Saturday night and using the bathroom at my local I’m confronted with two giggly young girls talking about the spag bol their amazing boyfriend’s are cooking for them, he’s even getting candles. Oh please, spaghetti bolognese? They could at least cook something that doesn’t feature in the regular weekly diet of the population of the UK.

I was presented by one fascinating article about Valentine’s yesterday though, one I actually enjoyed reading. Here it is for your amusement too:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/20_000_tons_of_pubic_hair_trimmed

That’s the kind of thing I want arriving in my inbox!

So anyway, want to know what I’m doing on Sunday? I admit this with some shame in my tone of voice... I’m spending the night with my ex, I know, I know. Pitiful isn’t it? In my defense when I organised the meeting I didn’t realise the date as I’ve purposefully ignored my calender now for at least a week. All the same though, I am kind of relieved that at least I won’t be spending it alone, no matter how complicated and ridiculous it may appear from the outside. The reasons behind this happening is a whole other story and one I’m sure you will all berate me for but hey ho. Chinese takeaway for TWO coming my way.

The sad fact of it is this; we all scramble to find someone before this day so we’re not sat in front of the TV with a large glass of wine, alone, watching some movie that we know is going to make us a shareholder in Kleenex.

No matter how much you try to convince yourself it’s just another day you’re going to fail. You might get to lunch time, maybe even tea time but I guarantee that at some point in the day you’re going to get that self pitying pang of “poor me” and possibly write a scorning letter to Hallmark blaming them for all the wrongs in this world.

The only option for the singles is to invite other singles around for the evening, to not go near any cinema, restaurant, in fact any public place, keep the curtains closed and watch a slasher movie. I wonder how many hours will be spent cursing ex boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s? I bet the words “I hate them” will be said more than “I love you”, not something Hallmark are going to promote though, maybe they should. Clearly an untapped market.

To those of you in relationships I hope you’re going to live up to your partner’s unrealistic expectations of the day, if you don’t, more fool you. To the singles, I recommend marshmallows, The Shining and a bottle of Malbec.

And lastly, please don’t judge me too much because I bet given the chance, you’d have done the same! (You probably wouldn’t but I’m going to keep telling myself that for now)

If nothing more, I bet I’ll get a blog out of it.

Knowing when enough is enough...

I have always been brought up to try, try and try again until I get something right. In my career this of course is valuable advice but in my dating life it can sometimes become chokingly toxic.

When you’re fully submersed into a situation it can be so hard to see the wood for the trees and when you’ve invested time, emotions and your hopes into a relationship and into another person it can be almost impossible to know when to back off.

Luckily I can report this becomes easier, well not easier but more apparent, as you grow older. Many of my friends are also guilty of hanging on to the vain belief that things will improve and to the detriment of their own sanity.

So how do we know that we’re not getting everything we deserve? Of course relationships are hard work, you need to deal with compromises, we have to take stock of the others failings and figure out if we are able to accept them and work around them but when do we draw the line before we can no longer be true to ourselves?

When you’re in the new flush of a relationship and realise that you aren’t a good fit it can be all too easy to back off and walk away but what happens when you’re 6 months or 6 years in and the cracks have become craters that can no longer be patched up? If you’re still “young” in society’s (and the biological clock’s) eyes then it’s not the end of the world to jack it in and start again, it’s not quite so simple when you’re approaching the age when we’re are programmed to need to be in a partnership.

As my dating life has been littered with the wrong choices I’ve had to often face up to the reality that things aren’t giving me everything I should be entitled to but this has always been a thing that I’ve found tricky to notice. Maybe this is due to my own self doubts, what I believe I am deserving of and I’ve had to train myself not to settle for being treated as an after thought. Not a simple task by any means...

When you’ve had dating disasters and partners have made you feel less of a person by the end of it and taken you for everything you can possibly give, the shadow that is left afterwards can eclipse who you really can be. This is when a severe kick up the arse is required. You will need to call on your friends to boost your confidence in yourself and your decisions. You need to resist that nagging self doubt that you brought this on, that you asked for this to happen, because you didn’t.

A relationship ends, you are left feeling deflated and down trodden and it can take weeks, months or even years to be able to fully give yourself to someone again and by middle age you know these facts all too well. So does this mean that we can hang on to that toxic and flawed partnership just so we don’t have to face the truth? Yes, this is exactly why so many of us stay in something we know is bringing us out in metaphorical hives.

It does take great strength to utter the words “I’m done” but believe me once you manage to let that phrase leave your mouth the feeling of relief is enough to set you on the road to recovery. Like an epiphany you’ve been waiting for, clarity will come.

There are masses of factors that will determine how long it will take you to realise this person isn’t for you, that you’re not getting everything you deserve and that you need to draw a line under it. For stronger characters it can only take one or two warning signs, for those of us that want to believe things can be worked at to fix them it might take considerably longer but whatever type of person you are ignore that desire to be true to your relationship and for once be honest with yourself. You are amazing, there is someone out there that will also know you’re amazing and not make you feel like shit. You absolutely must continue to believe this.

Looking within yourself and stripping apart your feelings by giving yourself an emotional autopsy is painful, don’t get me wrong. With this pain comes strength and we must all remember, even those in happy and contented relationships, that when all is said and done, we only have ourselves to stand by.

NEXT!

So it’s all gone a bit arse up, your love interest has turned out to be another toad or maybe your facing the unenviable situation of unrequited love, for whatever the reason you have been plunged into the dark hole of “what now?”

It is all too easy to stew over situations like this and depending on your personality, and often sex, you will no doubt go in two different directions; 1 - Feel an urge to trawl through every up and down of the last few weeks/months or 2 - Get really pissed, flirt with someone else and move directly past GO, collect £200 and wang it on something completely inappropriate. I am an utter and fully fledged fan of option two.

In years gone by when I was younger, stupid and self deprecating I’d spend ages wondering what went wrong, the “why me? what’s wrong with me?” questions would fire through my brain cells and torment me, usually when I was trying to sleep, until I became utterly insane. Then one day, after a particularly sticky break up with an ex, I stamped my foot, thought “*&^% this” and went out. The night consisted of vodka, cosmopolitans, my mates, loads of laughs and a particularly hot guy I knew. I can safely say this equation totted up to be the best remedy I could hope for!

Of course not everyone has the nonchalant attitude I have spent years perfecting so I am not telling you to dramatically change your ways, what I am saying is to try to put your best foot forward and get on with living your life.

Driving yourself potty with questions such as “why aren’t they texting me?”, “why did they say that?”, “what did I do wrong?” “am I not attractive enough?” STTTOOPPPP!!! Don’t do it to yourself! You will probably never know the truth as to why it hasn’t worked out with someone so there is zero point torturing yourself for hours with questions you just can’t get answers to!

Back to what I do; firstly I begin with “their loss”, this is a great thing to say to yourself. You know you’re great, say it. You’ve got a great arse/legs/eyes/personality, whatever you love about you, say it to yourself. Then begin with the points you didn’t like about them, the reasons you actually know why you weren’t a great match, repeat to yourself several times. Do not pontificate about the things they were amazing at, it is completely useless and often we have a habit after a break up of longing for someone and turning them into someone they never were, a martyr and ourselves into a lowly non-worthy trog.

The next step is to enjoy life. Organise nights out with your friends, get in touch with that person you know has a soft spot for you, pamper yourself, have a laugh and most importantly do not look back! Your new love interest is only a short distance away I’d bet, but only if you remain positive, you won’t bag anyone with your bottom lip dragging along the floor behind you.

Why, we as humans, have an innate need to make ourselves feel awful is beyond me, but it is there in Technicolor! We must do our very best to suppress the negative and focus on the positive. So this one didn’t work out, so what? Now you get to have fun finding the next, being single isn’t bad, in fact if you do it right it’s bloody good fun.

Remember too, the time we spend in singledom only complements the time we spend in relationships. Enjoy both, do not feel you are less of a person because something didn’t work out, you aren’t. It was just a lesson to be learnt, you made your notes and now move on.

NEXT!

The self destruct button...

The bane of my dating life. An itch that I can’t seem to avoid scratching sometimes or maybe I’m just a rebel at heart and know I shouldn’t do it therefore I just can’t stop myself!

If you are one of the fortunate and illusive people that don’t have this affliction then I envy you and will explain to you the torturous nature of this dreaded dating disease. A lot of it stems down to a belief that things can never be easy, due to them having been difficult in the past, so those of us that suffer with this seem to need to cause a drama before we have drama thrown upon us.

Usually this will occur around the six month milestone but in some extreme cases it can happened much sooner. It comes in several forms, let’s list them.

1. Verbal faux pas; this is when you don’t engage brain before opening your port hole.

2. Physical gaffe; you either do something that causes swords to be drawn, your body language becomes cold or you throw a TV remote at them.

3. Nit picking; They seem perfect but they can’t be surely, you turn into a private investigator to discover their faults when there probably aren’t any. Failing to find some, you turn to making them up.

4. I’m a wally; You doubt their motives for being with you, you can’t possibly deserve to have someone this nice interested so they must be after - A. Your Money. B. Your Car. C. Your best mate. D. Your Soul. E. Your cat, contents of your fridge and Nintendo Wii. F. All of the above.

5. Loss of decorum; Something happens, let’s say they do something that’s slightly embarrassing for them. You forget yourself and either laugh so hard you pee, call them names, forget to prevent a look of horror / disgust descending across your face or worst of all, tell everyone.


Unfortunately all of the above are down to your own self confidence which is incredibly hard, no matter what all those self help books / websites / blogs tell you, to change but if you are honest and open with your new partner about the concerns of your short comings then they can help you address them. Now I am not saying that you should come across self loathing and say “I’ve got a really bad track record, I’ve done this, this, that, them” because that’s one way to set them running quickly in the other direction.

As I’ve said in other blogs having the “ex chat” should try to be avoided if at all possible, I see no positive aspect about going into great detail when it comes to your previous bad decisions and actions but what might need to be eventually mentioned is your reasoning behind doing whatever you did.

By this I mean if you don’t want to rush into things because you’re scared you might ruin it suggest you take things slowly. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take things a step at a time if this is going to help you gain confidence in yourself and your date. If they really like you then they’ll be prepared to take it at a pace you are comfortable with.

You do need to do the most daunting thing of all though, look inwardly. Not realising why you’ve hit the self destruct button in the past will only cause you to hover your finger over it again. It’s not a simple task of course but the best way to get to the root of your problems is talking about it with someone you trust, but not your partner, for now anyway. Turn to your close friends and face your fears, I’m willing to bet on the fact they’ll also echo what you are saying most of the time.

One thing you definitely shouldn’t do though is hide away from getting involved with someone just because of what has happened in the past. Everyone is different and just because your last relationship ended badly does not mean a new one will too. From each experience we gain knowledge and we must do the most obvious thing and learn from it. To do this we need to open our eyes to it.

So take off your goggles and have a ruddy good look, what you see won’t be half as horrific as you imagine it will be, I promise.

The unanswerable questions...

Falling in love is one of the most natural things known to man, a right of passage you might say, but does that make it easy? Of course not. It might be something we’re all meant to experience but it’s quickly becoming like the holy grail for singles. Has it always been like this or now, thanks to the internet, is it just more noticeable and talked about?

Our culture might not be one that is formally into arranged marriages but in days gone by parents were often involved in choosing partners for their offspring. True love this might not be, but it certainly tipped the odds in your favour for at least finding someone to make you a brew in the morning.

Now, as we approach our 30s and still remain perched on the proverbial shelf, a sense of panic and confusion is often descended upon us. We sail through our 20s popping from one relationship to another without too much problem but when the notion hits that we’re reaching an age where we should be seen to settle down and find “the one” we seem to lose our ability to know how to find anyone, let alone the partner we are meant to spend the rest of our days with.

For many of us the realisation that we really have no clue comes as a shock and throws us in two different directions. Either we scramble for anyone that will put up with us and settle for just not being alone or we become more frustrated at the fact it appears to get even harder to find someone you click with as you enter your more responsible phase of life.

Depressing? Yes! Thankfully our human nature often means we remain hopeful that fate will step in, we’re destined to bump into the love of our lives in the local supermarket or maybe you’ll meet them through a new friend. For many this uncertainty has lead them to joining dating sites, attending speed dating events or turning to work colleagues or networking groups to meet potential partners.

As I am single I’ve been intrigued by the ways people are resorting to for the chance of meeting other singles and I can safely say I’ve been astonished by the amount of my own friends who have turned to dating sites. It seems the once taboo or embarrassing admission of signing up to one of these sites is diminishing at an astounding rate.

I’d bet my last rolo on the fact that out of every friendship group at least a few people will have profiles on the various free and subscription sites that are out there. Does this mean we are now more proactive in finding a partner or does it mean that the internet, mobile phones and other new ways of communicating with each other has actually spiraled out of control so we no longer feel capable of speaking to strangers in person?

This has all happened within a massively short space of time. I’m only 27 but I can clearly remember when a guy wanted to ask you out he had to call your home number and possibly have to encounter your parents, take the leap of asking in person or, wait for it, write a love letter. Are these changes for the better? Or worse?

With the women’s rights revolution females have naturally become much more independent and forthright with what they want out of life. This has had a dramatic affect on dating, now women ask men out, they chase their target in more open ways than ever before which of course can mean they are more likely to get what they want. Has this meant that men are being robbed of their alpha male rights? Does an independent, confident and successful woman intimidate some men?

It shouldn’t right? But, I can say from personal experience, it does. As much as we all love to believe we are living in a world where everyone is equal, that men appreciate a woman being able to care for herself and women like to wear a badge of self sufficiency if everyone was utterly truthful the majority of men would admit that they like to be protective over their partner and to feel they are the provider and with women we really do, no matter how “strong” we appear to be, want to feel safe and taken care of.

For a woman in today’s society to admit she doesn’t feel “whole” without a man at her side is almost tantamount to admitting you’re weak and would be greeted by disapproving looks from alpha females (that probably feel the same anyway but of course would not vocalise it, with me being one of them) and for a man to say he didn’t want a woman that earned more than him or was more successful is basically enough to bring back capital punishment.

So have all the lessons our parents learnt about finding a partner become obsolete? Are we playing a whole different game these days? In my opinion, we’re not, it’s exactly the same as it has been for thousands of years, we’re all just in denial.

Google “dating advice” and you’ll find over 43 million pages handing out the dos and don’ts. Have we become a generation of over analysers? Is there actually a tried and tested format on how to bag a mate? Of course not! The beauty of the human race is that we are all different, what one man likes another won’t, what impresses one woman will revolt another. Am I getting more depressing? Sorry...

Let me be the brave one here and lay out my dating disasters for you to pull apart. Firstly the types of men that have entered and left my life. I’ve had the pleasure (said with an undertone of sarcasm) of experiencing the commitmentphobes, the ones that declare their love for me after minutes which leads me to leg it in the other direction quicker than you can say “laters”, the ones that blow hot and cold, the game players, the emotional retards and the pièce de résistance; the controllers.

Naturally the above has lead to be being rather cautious and cynical with new people I meet, and of course this will be the same with men, I know many bunny boiler females myself! So how can you spot someone that’s going to be a pain in the backside? Or just more hard work than they are worth? How should you play it?

As I don’t profess to be any kind of dating guru, far from it, I’m just as clueless as everyone else and because of this I’ve endeavored to question a few friends to try and gain a general consensus. Here’s what I’ve discovered...

I had hoped that there would be a definitive divide between men and women’s opinions and although there is some interesting opposites, there is no clear “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” proclamation.

Let’s begin with people’s opinion on game playing. I am personally in the corner of hating this, as are many other women. The only time we participate is when it’s obvious a guy needs to taste his own medicine and shall we not forget it is in a woman’s genes to be manipulative, so gents; play at your peril.

Unsurprisingly the only people to agree that the “two day rule” still exists and works are the males of our species, but in the same hand I was encouraged to find that a good percentage of maturer guys did see this clandestine and unspoken tactic as pointless. If you like someone, tell them, don’t mess around in the hope that leaving it for exactly 48 hours before contacting them again will do anything but annoy and frustrate your potential mate.

Of course this does not mean to take it to the extreme and call/text/email the guy (because let’s face it ladies, it’s us that are guilty of too much contact) every waking minute of the day. So does this mean playing it cool at least is still of paramount importance? I feel slightly hypocritical in divulging my answer here but yes, there’s a balance to be found when it comes to laying yourself out and making yourself available. Fool proof way of finding this balance is like seeing rocking horse sh*t but go with your instincts here, if your new interest seems to enjoy daily contact, go for it, if they prefer a little more space then adjust. Remember my point earlier; we are all different. What might have worked with your last partner maybe a hop, skip and a jump to a dump with your latest so pay attention to them, not what someone tells you to in Cosmo.

One very general statement that’s bounded around in today’s media is that men are only after sex. Women are tuned to be wary of what a man’s intentions are from a very young age. Of course there are men out there that purely want to get their leg over, but there are women that only want causal flings too so why do we tarnish men with something that often isn’t the case? Is it because we are told men have a primal urge to sow their seed? When really men want companionship as much as women do? Or am I being too hopeful in believing that?

Maybe my friend’s aren’t a varied enough catchment to gain a clear picture from but out of 14 guys only 1 admitted that he is only after a tumble in the sack. All 13 others wanted more, not necessarily marriage or full blown commitment but all of them wanted to meet a girl they got on with and wanted it to get past a few dates. Most also all said they wouldn’t sleep with a girl on the first date. So does that eradicate what we’ve been told all this time? Are men really getting a bad rap they don’t deserve?

I think so many magazines and online articles try to give blanket solutions to common problems to glaze over the fact that there is no clear right and wrong when it comes to dating. If they told us that they haven’t got all the answers either would they actually make any sales? Who wants to read that there is no rule book and you really just have to wing it, be prepared to ruin it and maybe, if you’re lucky, get it bob on.

Isn’t that half the fun though? I’m a great believer that if everything was presented to us on a silver platter we’d very quickly get bored and go for something else that was a challenge to receive. Although “the chase” and the first date can be one of the most intimidating, frightening and generally traumatic times when you’re entering a possible relationship, does it not make it all the sweeter when those nerves and trepidation turn into excitement and more importantly, love? Of course if it doesn’t work out we have to deal with rejection and disappointment but that is life so why can’t we all just be prepared to deal with it?

Taking the rough with the smooth doesn’t sound appealing to some people and these are usually the over analysers, the ones that want to pick everything apart to find the nucleus of the situation so they can manipulate it into something they want it to be. Here’s a revelation, if you do this you’re heading for disaster, I guarantee it. I have watched so many friends, men and women included, dissect their love life to the point where they don’t know their top from their bottom. The only loser in this will be you. There will come a point where you are so confused you start to self destruct, people must learn to take things as they come. Easy to say it, not easy to do of course.

Our generation has become one that craves answers, we want to know why things happen, how things work and we demand to be able to figure things out. We aren’t happy with the answer “that’s just how it is” and this has made us glutenous when it comes to even the most undefinable things in life.

So, let’s say for instance you do bag a mate, you’ve been dating for a few weeks and everything seems to be going well. Then out of nowhere (it seems) your new interest goes cold or maybe starts acting differently, or even you wake up on morning and realise you’ve made a huge mistake. Here goes the questions again; why did she do that? why did (n’t) he say that? Do they still like me? Do I really like them? That thing I said, has that ruined it?

Then creeps in the paranoia, oh that bit is the best. Your new relationship is barely out of the wrapper and already you are probably both reading well too much into, possibly doubting each other’s sincerity and generally rubbishing it before it even starts.

Or there’s the other situation that we all believe is out there. You meet across a crowded room, it’s love at first sight, instant attraction, the chemistry is so strong you’re saving a fortune on energy bills. Now you may sense a slight bit of cynicism in my tone here. It’s not that don’t believe there can be an instant attraction and craving for someone else, what I believe is that some people are predisposed to hitting the self destruct button even if there is.

I’m more of the latter, I do have a habit of not engaging brain before opening my mouth or reacting wrongly to something that’s said. Then, when I’m usually a very rational and sane individual, start worrying about how I’m perceived, if I should / shouldn’t say things and the more I think about this the worse it gets. Luckily as I’ve grown older I’ve learnt to put a mute button on these thoughts but every now and then when something doesn’t happen as you’d planned it that annoying voice pipes up “what happened there, should I apologise, should I ignore it, why do I feel like that” etc etc blah blah. I was under the assumption that it was just women that obsess over their date’s behaviour but I can confirm, in some instances, this is not the case! Men too become riddled with unanswerable questions or ones they wouldn’t dare vocalise.

What I am saying is this; getting a date is the really easy part, trust me. It’s hanging onto a partner that’s the tricky bit. Therefore meeting in the right circumstance for you, being true to yourself and trying your very best to not press that button that says; “DO NOT PRESS ELSE THIS’LL BE RUINED” is how to do it. If it feels right let it feel right, if it feels wrong, don’t put Savlon on it and hope the stinging goes away.

My final thought on this matter, and this is mainly aimed at the ladies; put down that self help guide, move away from hitting “search” on Google after you’ve typed in “dating advice”, take a step out into the world, sign up to a dating site, have your mates set you up with someone, whatever it is, best foot forward and give it a go. The only way to become a master at dating and find yourself a match is to dive in!