Knob rot; a cure for insanity.

Once again I’ve been as slack as a pair granny pants with busted elastic, I apologise that I’ve not written for a while, I’ve been a little busy.

Drama unfolded with my ex yet again and I was given a full on talking to by several friends, my mother, received several wrist slaps (bruises to prove it) and I’m pretty sure my cat was giving me some very disapproving looks too. I made some (more) mistakes but I’m glad to report I’ve accepted that fact and put myself onto the road of recovery (for the umpteenth time I know).

I have done this in several dimensions;

1. Repeated to myself how pathetic he is, embellished the pathetic status in my mind and let it grow like Japanese knot weed.

2. Convinced myself he’s slept with girls that are riddled with diseases and now has knob rot.

3. Reminded myself daily what a loser I turn into if I let him in and remember I don’t suit a dunces hat.

4. Think; would I truly want to spend the rest of my life with an emotional retard? Um, no.

5. Found someone else.


Point five was a key one but I’ll come back to that.


If you’ve read my previous blogs you would know that I very stupidly started something again with an ex who is basically like arsenic to me but I have trouble realising it. I got girly and air headed about it, hopeful and let all my sense and reason drain from my being or in other words thought of my lustful urges rather than my mental stability.

He bobbed off traveling for a month and just before he went I let my guard down, granted it was enjoyable until I felt like a used jizz rag thrown to one side after he’d got his fill before jumping on a plane. In hindsight, this was a gift because sweet lord above I cursed him for the first time in ages.

I’ll admit I don’t hate him, neither think that much less of him but I have finally seen him as being a user (albeit a clueless one). "Hallelujah!" my friends cry.

Point two I have my over active imagination to thank for. I see one picture of him with a girl in the vague vicinity that looked a bit grim and I’ve worked out a whole scenario that he’s now riddled with every unpronounceable, puss filled, knob rotting disease there is. It’s worked wonders! My loins are no longer wanting anything to do with his.

When it comes to point 3 I don’t just have myself to rely on for this, I have my wonderful and caring friends (mainly one Geordie lass) who’s more than happy to tell me what a useless waste of space it turns me into and how my IQ drops to around 2 if I even entertain the idea. Maybe I also need to write lines on a blackboard “I will not fuck him ever again as each time I do I lose a brain cell and will be a vegetable by the time I’m 35”

I don’t think I really need to elaborate on point 4 do I?

Moving on to point 5...

Well, I don’t actually want to reveal much yet ha! He is lovely, funny, intelligent, grounded, not an emotional retard, attentive, confident, hot, sexy, fit, hello! and tall, great kisser, makes me giggle like a teenage girl and I’ve not even slept with him yet... (Give me another 48 hours and that will develop), he’s been in contact every day for at least 3 weeks and it’s not an effort!

I’m trying to not count my chickens as there’s still time for him to turn out to be a wally but I have (almost) everything crossed that he remains on this level and doesn’t suddenly take a nose dive into dickdom!

Wish me luck!!

So here’s a story for you...

In previous blogs I’ve alluded to my fantastically drama filled dating existence but for this entry I thought I’d be brave and give you a full, no holds barred, look at once of my recent, um, incidents.

What happens to me a lot is it’ll all be quiet on the western front for a little while and then all hell breaks loose and I don’t know my arse from my elbow, December pretty much padded out like that.

The tale includes my ex boyfriend, a guy I met randomly and another, lets call him a flirting diversion. I shall start with a little background on my ex so we can paint a clearer picture and we’ll call him Alan.

Alan and I were together for less than a year, the beginning of the relationship was pretty fantastic but 6 months in the cracks began to appear. He was 27, had never had a girlfriend before (he wasn’t a scutter by the way, actually fairly fit) and had some how gained a storage container’s worth of emotional baggage / self confidence issues. Suffice to say thanks to my ability to not admit defeat easily we soldiered on for a little while longer until it all fell apart.

At the time I was fairly hurt but on the scale of heartbroken I wasn’t reaching wrist slitting heights and within time I laid it to rest as much as I could with unanswered questions still looming. It seemed he had other ideas on this though and for the next 4 years popped up every now and then sending me messages like “I think I...” (yes that was it) and then recently peaking at “I’ve always regretted what I did, I wish you were here”

We had attempted the friend thing after 2 years of us splitting up but due to this look he has a habit of giving me and the questionable circumstances of the ending I always had an air of caution when I spent time with him, and rightly so it turns out.

So now to dip into the information on the guy I met randomly. First date probably featured on some of the all time worst first dates to start off with. He had a severe tendency to take the piss, now I can be about as sarcastic as they come but this fella totally blew me out of the water and for a good few hours he just laid into me in an attempt to be funny. In my mind, this was a disaster, but I stuck with it and the end of the date spun things around and changed my perspective on him.

Half way through said date and I get a text from flirt diversion asking me if I was in town and if I wanted to “hook up” later, I tried to hide the shock on my face in front of random guy and speedily put my phone back in my bag and decide FD can wait for now.

5.30am on the morning after this date I get a message from Alan “Yo DC, how you doing?” not the best timing in the world I think you can agree. He’s obviously pissed, obviously reminiscing and once again gets under my skin when my new date is sleeping sounding in my bed. Winner. I ignore the message, for the time being.

Time goes on, I see the random guy a few more times. He states his thoughts on dating, appears to very strongly believe that dating more than one person at a time is morally wrong (this scuppers me as I’m actually dating someone else at the same time too aka flirt divert) which puts me in a quandary as to whether random guy is worth me ditching divert guy and Alan to concentrate on just him.

I spend the next few weeks deciding whether or not I can put up with his piss taking, settle for one guy and be able to cut loose on the others... this was debated back and forth for quite some time.

Technology then conspires against me, I’ve text random guy and not had a reply... for 2 whole weeks. I see this as a blessing in disguise, one less decision to make and continue on with the rest of my dramas.

Then something came out of complete left field. Alan decides (when pissed of course) to insinuate he might want me back. Then I hear he’s been talking about this with his friends and these friends then decide to get involved and attempt to help us get back together.

At this point I really had nothing to lose and felt like I was being swept along with this anyway so decide to meet up with Alan and discuss this development.

He comes round, we have tea and watch a film and as the night goes on it dawns on me that, if I let him, he isn’t going to address the issue so I make the decision to be the one to grow some balls and go for the jugular.

For the next 2 hours we go over everything, one of the most intense conversations of my life and for a short while I even dare to think he’s changed and it might be different this time round. The chemistry was still there and it really felt like we could pick up where we left off. How wrong you can be!

One week later and it’s back to the old story of him going radio silent, freaking out and generally being an emotional retard and sending my head firmly up my jaxxy. I give him the benefit of the doubt for a short while but after he fails to turn up at my house after I’d told him I needed to get something off my chest a moment of clarity descended on me and I called it a day.

Next bit... Random guy’s silence is broken by me receiving 4 texts, one after another, at 4.30am one morning. These texts are basically what he has sent me over the last 2 weeks and for whatever reason they’d only just made it to my phone. I reply, firstly being cautious and explaining I didn’t think we were a good fit but after he’d told me I was the best sex he’d ever had my strong stance weakened immensely which lead to me being in his bed the next night... slut I know but my ego had been bruised so give me a break!

Flirt divert had also been in contact and that scenario was still on going but never really getting anywhere, especially after I’d found out he’d offered to show some ‘personal’ messages from me to one of his mates.. “Oh no you diddddnn’tt” but he did.

Moving on.... I attempt to eat humble pie with random guy, thinking I’d been too hasty the first time round, maybe he wasn’t all the annoying things I thought he was as I do have a habit of picking holes in someone until they resemble a crater and I wanted to stick to my new year’s resolution of not being so god damn picky. I get little response but to be fair I was really forcing myself into it so I didn’t become too suspicious too soon, until I hear the tail end of some gossip. Random guy has got back with his ex girlfriend.

I swear to God, I honestly laughed out loud. First at the shear ludicrousness of this situation, then at his massive hypocrisy (he’d said, and I quote “If I’ve learnt anything in my years getting back with an ex never works, people don’t change” after I’d told him about Alan) and finally at the fact that my love life continues to be one massive balls up after another. You have to laugh though don’t you!!

So, to summarise, in just over a month I have partially dated 3 men, one who turn out to be a wanker, one who remained to be a wanker and one who didn’t reach being a wanker. Not bad for a months work I don’t think!

To give and to receive.

Now before you get all kinky I don’t mean THAT giving and receiving! Deary me, dirt you lot! I mean giving and receiving advice. Knowing when to ask for it and also knowing when not to give it.

I’ve had countless discussions with my 20 something and 30 something friends about moves we make, the people we’ve chosen to spend time with and more often nowadays (when I’m sure this shouldn’t be the case) our utterly increasing clueless status on what the hell we’re playing at!

More recently I have found myself in the barren world of the idealess. I am a creative person, I’m full of ideas, literally brimming with plans, concepts and suggestions, but not too many weeks ago I found myself handing over my mobile phone to a friend to reply to a chap on my behalf as I was absolutely inept of writing something myself... I’m a writer for crying out loud!

To my younger readers I’m afraid I’m going to have to break some earth shattering news to you; this does not get easier the older you get, it becomes harder. Mainly due the fact we have realised our mistakes, yes this sounds strange but stay with me.

The more mishaps you make in your dating life make you more wary of the things you consequently do in the future, therefore instead of wildly jumping in and being utterly fearless you begin to second guess your gut instinct and look upon friends to guide you. Then as time goes on your friends checkered past begins to pull the reins on their ability to dish out the advice and you will now often hear the words “I really have no idea hun”.

Things become far more messy the older you get, kids come into it, scars from past heartbreaks, emotional issues, the whole debacle turns into a fricking minefield! Then when you momentarily think “F it, I’m just going to go for it” you instantly regret something you said / sent / done.

I’m sure when “the one” comes along this will all vanish, so please don’t go reaching for the valium just yet, but in the mean time be prepared to grow a much thicker skin and buy some germaline for the many cuts and bruises your feelings will attain.

One positive I will throw into the pot here is the inner strength you’ll gain as you go, I have turned into a master when it comes to best foot forward and as mentioned in a previous blog the “NEXT” method. What I am attempting, and probably very badly, to explain here is that if we accept our failings for what they are we can begin to understand what our next moves should be and in turn regain our ability to hand out advice and to receive it.

I must also mention here knowing when to keep your mouth shut, which is a massive issue with me. I’m all for saying it like it is to my friends and this can sometimes land me in some seriously hot water. If I see a guy / girl treating my pal like a fool, I’m either going to thump my friend / the guilty party or go for a no holds barred verbal onslaught. Of course there is a time when people need to hear the bitter truth but they also need to make the mistakes all by themselves, yes it is hard to stand by and watch someone fall into the pitfalls that love and emotions bring but knowing when to step in and when to back off is key. This comes only with experience and awareness of how your friend will take you calling them an idiot.

In turn we must learn to be able to take it from our friends. I am extremely lucky to have people around me that aren’t afraid to let me know when I’m being a plonker, sometimes I listen to them, sometimes I don’t and I usually go on to wish I had.

What we really need to do is remember that we aren’t alone in the dramas that unfold before us and we need to regroup and share what we’ve experienced. Two heads are better than one, ten heads are better than two. So (without sounding cheesy) don’t bottle up your fears and weaknesses, try your best to tell your mates what is going on and work through it together. Always remember though, when handing out advice that’s as sharp as a Swiss Army blade you must be prepared to take it via the jugular.

Are you an emotional retard?

I am. I wasn’t but I’ve grown into being one. With each set back I’ve suffered through my dating existence and every notch it has etched out of me has turned me into an emotional oasis.

I laugh and joke about it with my friends and find some of my actions ridiculous but I have built this barrier that prevents me from saying certain words, paying someone compliments and admitting I might actually “like” (let’s not go too over the top and try to utter that other L word) a guy.

Getting someone interested in me (without sounding egotistical) isn’t a thing I find all that difficult. I’ve got a decent arse, I’ve managed to restrain myself from pigging out so much that I gain a muffin top and my face doesn’t look half bad either. I have a diploma in flirting and creating saucy innuendos but back me into a corner and ask me to vocalise my feelings for someone is another matter entirely.

Example; a guy tells me he loves spending time with me, I reply that I LIKE spending time with him too. I’m not even saying I love him but I can’t managed to instantly echo the sentiment. Ridiculous isn’t it? I want to say it but I appear to have a clamp in my mouth that prevents me. I wonder if I have to pay a fine to get rid of it?

I fear if I compliment a guy, he’ll assume I’m really into him and then lose interest, I would have put myself out there only to have the door slammed in my face and hear the words “actually, I’m not that bothered” = I am an emotional retard.

I am jealous of women that can be open about how they feel, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be a needy, squeaky, I love you and I’ve only known you a week girl, but I am jealous of people that are brave enough to lay it all out in the hope they’ll get something in return.

Maybe these people haven’t ever really failed, really experienced the anguish of something blowing up in their face, or maybe they are just so much stronger and believe the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”

The older I get the more cautious I get, to the point I am ruining possible relationships before they even begin and I annoy myself for it. Can I really put the blame on the men that have wronged me or is this totally my issue?

Another part of my problem is that I enjoy being single, an alien statement for those who don’t feel whole without someone on their arm, but I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet, have fun and not have to worry about all those sticky ‘feeling’ issues. I am aware that it’s not healthy to remain (and I hate this term) ‘alone’ for the rest of my days but how do you break the cycle of cut and run when it looks like it could be a goer?

I very much know I need to work on it and also know I am definitely not a one man band when it comes to this issue. Lots of people my age are suffering from the same affliction; the inability to jump in with both feet and not concern myself with the consequences.

My theory is when I find someone that’s prepared to work me through this, warts ‘n’ all, I will then begin to change my mind set, I honestly don’t think it’s something we can do by ourselves. It’s discovering that person who’s willing to take on an emotional retard though, because I have to say I’ve been confronted with the prospect of taking on someone that had issues before and I’ve given it a whirl but now I prefer to just leg it in the other direction.

So I guess what I, and so many other people need, is someone that has their shit together, that isn’t afraid of saying it like it is, who’s prepared to bring me out of myself but is there anyone that isn’t twisted? I ruddy hope so. And I do honestly believe there is, because I’ve pushed many of them away before as I’ve not been ready to accept that.

Can people that class themselves as emotional retards recover and go on to lead a happy, contented and drama free life? In short, yes, but the first step is admitting you have the problem, second step is to find someone that can understand the problem and third step is to work on it, together.

You can remove the clamp, turn off the mute button and put yourself out there.

Don’t just be jealous of people that have the enviable ability to wear their heart on their sleeves, try to take a leaf out of their book and face your fears.

I am determined that in 2010 I am going to change, give up my friend that has kept me protected and cut loose.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What’s the worse that could happen? Keeping Kleennex in business? We all need to do our part to keep the economy afloat after all...