We’re all going on a summer holiday.

Firstly I better sincerely apologise for my lack of content over the last month, I’ve been on holiday and been struck down by an almighty stomach bug which I won’t give you the details of but put it this way; those 3lbs I put on whilst on holiday, gone.

I went to the Dominican Republic for my sunshine retreat, a tropical paradise I was lead to believe. This jaunt was to celebrate my mother’s 65th birthday so we thought somewhere to sunbathe, get spa treatments and just eat would do nicely. If you’ve ever been on holiday with a parent as you approach your 30’s and you’re single you will know what this can lead to; couple envy.

Where ever you pick to go away, doesn’t matter if it’s a beach holiday or a winter break you can guarantee that lovey dovey couples will be everywhere, shoving their bonking bliss in your face and this will plummet you into either pining after a lost love or have you scoping out for any other single that might be cute enough after a few cocktails.

Even when you go with a friend for example I will bet my last Rolo on the fact you’ll spend most of the time talking about your dirty rotten ex or that guy you simply must pursue on your return to Blighty. Being away with a parent is worse though, especially a mother, even more so mine.

I’m pretty honest with mine about my love life, I don’t go into the intimate details but she knows who’s featuring at the moment and what I feel about things that are happening. This however does not stop her suggesting I find someone suitable (less hard work) to settle down with. She has a very good memory when it comes to the men who have shown interest in me, a few have ticked the “would make a great son-in-law” box and she takes great pleasure in reminding me of these gents when things aren’t going to plan.

Unfortunately even though these “perfect” men aren’t for me, much to the disappointment of my dear Mama, when one texts me, who I haven’t heard from in months, whilst on my barren holiday for a nano second I am entertaining the idea of giving it another go... That’s what holidays do to me, turn me into a desperado.

You’re enjoying a beautiful walk down a breath taking bay just as the sun is rising, you should be thinking about the scenery, the wonders of nature but you’re not. You’re thinking; “I wish so-n-so was here”

It didn’t help that on this holiday for the first four days it fricking pissed it down and I was stuck playing cards and dominos inside for what seemed like eternity. Far too much time to think which led to far too many ridiculous thoughts and notions whirling around in my already vivid imagination. Are holidays a good idea when you are single? Of course the single girl and guy are 100% entitled to a holiday but when you reach a certain age where a boozy trip with 20 of your mates is no longer an option, mostly because half of them now have sprogs, is it a good idea to inflict this on yourself? Does it help or hinder?

I have had holidays where it’s been great to get away from certain situations in my life but I’ve also had others where being away from it has made it much, much worse. Beach holidays are the main culprit here. If you are on an adventure break with so many things to do and you don’t have time to think, you’re onto a winner. If you’re lounging around listening to Zero 7 then you’ve bagged yourself a one-way ticket to living hell.

The Dominican Republic is absolutely not a place for singles. In the resort we stayed in everyone was either on honeymoon, in the first blushes of romance, a 40 tonne heifer or gay. I was definitely thankful for the beautiful gay men at the end of it, something lovely to look at and wonderful company to bitch with. The heifers made me feel like a super model so they can come again but the ones that really pissed me off were the first blushes, one couple particularly.

The lady in question was your ultimate try hard, she was seriously over doing the attempt to be sexy and attentive thing. I had to restrain myself from going over and giving her a piece of my mind, it was pitiful. Although by the second day of us finally getting sunshine I did become slightly schadenfreude at the fact she had managed to give herself third degree burns with a token white stripe down both sides where she’d forgotten to turn over properly. Not so sexy now biatch. They were obviously in the very early stages on their relationship where things are all amazing, you don’t know your partner has deep, dark secrets and is about to turn your world upside down and completely wreck your eternal emotional stability and forever render you in a vast void of questions, paranoia and insecurities.

Ahem.... shit. Excuse me, the stomach bug coupled with the fact I’ve not eaten in two days made that outburst happen. Resuming sane behaviour... now.

My point is; when you are single and on holiday, surrounded by couples you can’t resist but to pick apart and analyse their body language, what type of couple you think they are and whether they will last. Well, you do if your single and female anyway.

Holidays aren’t meant to be depressing so if you are sans partner and intending a trip away with someone who might have the ability to push you into a cloud of self analysis, stay away from the quiet beach break. Go for a city break, they are much safer. You’re much more likely to find people that will interest and entertain you and it’s not so hard to escape the smoochy poochy pairs that you want to pour a pint of ice water over.

Best places I’ve been where thoughts of unrequited love have rarely entered my head; NYC, Vegas, Rome, Dublin, Miami, Madrid, Amsterdam and Key West. I spent far too much time sight seeing, shopping, eating and generally exploring to give a damn about the drama I’d left at home.

Take my advice, unless you’re young enough to get insanely out of it on the White Isle with 50 people you hardly know and come home not remembering a thing put the “Beach Break” brochure down and stick to the notion that you’re going on holiday for culture and not to spend it on a sun lounger, throwing yourself into a depression greater than 1926 and thinking of plots to rid the world of happy people.

Buy a map, a comfy pair of walking shoes and bloody well get moving. Stay still and you’ll go bonkers.

Oh, one more thing. Pack a mac, dominos wears thin after about 30 minutes.

“The English simply cannot talk about sex without making a joke of it” - Kate Fox.

As part of my research for a client I am working for I am looking into the English culture and how we conduct ourselves on a daily basis. Although this article for them will not include our outlook on sex and dating my research has stumbled on people documenting our behaviour and it has certainly raised a few questions for me.

Kate Fox, who’s written in length about how the English react to certain social situations, basically believes that we are unable to talk about sex in a serious or straight forward manner but prefer to make “Carry-On” style jokes and quips about it to deflect our embarrassment. In some respects I agree with her, I’ve been guilty of spinning one liners about my sex life (see all previous blogs) in an attempt to deal with its consequences but I don’t believe every Englishmen is incapable of knowing what they want from their sex life and knowing how to get it.

English men have gained an unenviable reputation for being awful flirts, the term socially inept has been used to describe them by our international counterparts in the past. Our chat up lines are probably the worst around the world and we are often unable to talk to strangers in unfamiliar situations unlike the Americans for example. We are taught to be wary of people we don’t know, if you walked up to someone in a train station for example and attempted to strike up a conversation you would almost certainly be shot down with a look that could kill.

I spent three months in Florida not that long ago, for the majority of the time I was quite content toddling off exploring on my own but to begin with found it extremely unsettling at how many people were quite happy to chat away to me even though they’d never seen me before. Two months in and I began to let my guard down and return the initiation but certainly to start with I only reciprocated the conversation as I was on their turf and worried I might appear ignorant.

It is such an alien custom to the English to talk to strangers so how we have ever managed to keep our population going for so long is almost a mystery! My interaction with the American men was totally different to how English men approach me. I think in the 3 months I spent in Florida I got chatted up in bars etc more times than I have in a whole year in the UK. We have much stricter barriers when it comes to the do’s and don’ts of approaching the opposite sex, we dance around the issue quite awkwardly before any kind of direct contact is made. Thank god the internet came along when it did.

What would we do if flirting on the internet or via text messages wasn’t an option? Doesn’t really bare thinking about now we have it. I am a self confessed flirt, I am quite skilled when it comes to innuendos and eye fluttering, probably to the point where it has become to be an addiction but I know plenty of people both male and female that find it extremely difficult to put themselves out there. Is this because of our culture then? To be born in England makes us naturally designed to be totally crap at showing we are interested in the hot piece of ass holding the bar up?

Something else Kate Fox mentions in her book is what she called the “SAS test” which stands for “Sociability, Alcohol and Shared Interest” She certainly has a point about the need for alcohol when it comes to flirting. What she means by this is that you need each element for an English person to be successful at bagging a potential mate. So if you are in a bar for example you have the social aspect and the booze but you might not have the shared interest... they could be train spotters but you on the other hand could be a stamp collector. There’s no way of telling when you’re in your local pub. Transfer this into a club however each person is in there because they enjoy that type of music so you have an instant connection but another thing she rightly points out is the ‘too cool for school’ element that factors in when you’re in a nightclub, exceptionally so when it’s a specialist nightclub (not your cheesy pop 1’s and 2’s)

I know from first hand experience that certain types of people that are fully immersed into their favourite music can be pretentious to say the least. I’ve been part of that fraternity. My friends and I went regularly to a club to experience the music together, we certainly never went to “pull” and if anything it was frowned upon to be seen kissing or even flirting with someone whilst on the dance floor. You were there to listen and boogie, not to get your leg over.

I won’t warble on about all the other examples given but if you fancy reading more go and check it out at your library - ‘Watching the English’ by Kate Fox.

What I found most striking at the things I’ve read over the last few days is that if you were an outsider looking in the English would appear to see flirting / dating as an after thought and not a priority as other cultures might. Of course this isn’t the case but because we are instinctively an awkward race we prefer to outwardly focus on our hobbies, interests and friends for example rather than appear to be actively searching for a partner.

It begs the question why? Why is it seen as a taboo subject to be on the look out and trying to discover the person for you? Why do we see it as almost shameful?

Questions I am yet to discover the answers too... back to the drawing board for me.

To give and to receive.

Now before you get all kinky I don’t mean THAT giving and receiving! Deary me, dirt you lot! I mean giving and receiving advice. Knowing when to ask for it and also knowing when not to give it.

I’ve had countless discussions with my 20 something and 30 something friends about moves we make, the people we’ve chosen to spend time with and more often nowadays (when I’m sure this shouldn’t be the case) our utterly increasing clueless status on what the hell we’re playing at!

More recently I have found myself in the barren world of the idealess. I am a creative person, I’m full of ideas, literally brimming with plans, concepts and suggestions, but not too many weeks ago I found myself handing over my mobile phone to a friend to reply to a chap on my behalf as I was absolutely inept of writing something myself... I’m a writer for crying out loud!

To my younger readers I’m afraid I’m going to have to break some earth shattering news to you; this does not get easier the older you get, it becomes harder. Mainly due the fact we have realised our mistakes, yes this sounds strange but stay with me.

The more mishaps you make in your dating life make you more wary of the things you consequently do in the future, therefore instead of wildly jumping in and being utterly fearless you begin to second guess your gut instinct and look upon friends to guide you. Then as time goes on your friends checkered past begins to pull the reins on their ability to dish out the advice and you will now often hear the words “I really have no idea hun”.

Things become far more messy the older you get, kids come into it, scars from past heartbreaks, emotional issues, the whole debacle turns into a fricking minefield! Then when you momentarily think “F it, I’m just going to go for it” you instantly regret something you said / sent / done.

I’m sure when “the one” comes along this will all vanish, so please don’t go reaching for the valium just yet, but in the mean time be prepared to grow a much thicker skin and buy some germaline for the many cuts and bruises your feelings will attain.

One positive I will throw into the pot here is the inner strength you’ll gain as you go, I have turned into a master when it comes to best foot forward and as mentioned in a previous blog the “NEXT” method. What I am attempting, and probably very badly, to explain here is that if we accept our failings for what they are we can begin to understand what our next moves should be and in turn regain our ability to hand out advice and to receive it.

I must also mention here knowing when to keep your mouth shut, which is a massive issue with me. I’m all for saying it like it is to my friends and this can sometimes land me in some seriously hot water. If I see a guy / girl treating my pal like a fool, I’m either going to thump my friend / the guilty party or go for a no holds barred verbal onslaught. Of course there is a time when people need to hear the bitter truth but they also need to make the mistakes all by themselves, yes it is hard to stand by and watch someone fall into the pitfalls that love and emotions bring but knowing when to step in and when to back off is key. This comes only with experience and awareness of how your friend will take you calling them an idiot.

In turn we must learn to be able to take it from our friends. I am extremely lucky to have people around me that aren’t afraid to let me know when I’m being a plonker, sometimes I listen to them, sometimes I don’t and I usually go on to wish I had.

What we really need to do is remember that we aren’t alone in the dramas that unfold before us and we need to regroup and share what we’ve experienced. Two heads are better than one, ten heads are better than two. So (without sounding cheesy) don’t bottle up your fears and weaknesses, try your best to tell your mates what is going on and work through it together. Always remember though, when handing out advice that’s as sharp as a Swiss Army blade you must be prepared to take it via the jugular.

Are you an emotional retard?

I am. I wasn’t but I’ve grown into being one. With each set back I’ve suffered through my dating existence and every notch it has etched out of me has turned me into an emotional oasis.

I laugh and joke about it with my friends and find some of my actions ridiculous but I have built this barrier that prevents me from saying certain words, paying someone compliments and admitting I might actually “like” (let’s not go too over the top and try to utter that other L word) a guy.

Getting someone interested in me (without sounding egotistical) isn’t a thing I find all that difficult. I’ve got a decent arse, I’ve managed to restrain myself from pigging out so much that I gain a muffin top and my face doesn’t look half bad either. I have a diploma in flirting and creating saucy innuendos but back me into a corner and ask me to vocalise my feelings for someone is another matter entirely.

Example; a guy tells me he loves spending time with me, I reply that I LIKE spending time with him too. I’m not even saying I love him but I can’t managed to instantly echo the sentiment. Ridiculous isn’t it? I want to say it but I appear to have a clamp in my mouth that prevents me. I wonder if I have to pay a fine to get rid of it?

I fear if I compliment a guy, he’ll assume I’m really into him and then lose interest, I would have put myself out there only to have the door slammed in my face and hear the words “actually, I’m not that bothered” = I am an emotional retard.

I am jealous of women that can be open about how they feel, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be a needy, squeaky, I love you and I’ve only known you a week girl, but I am jealous of people that are brave enough to lay it all out in the hope they’ll get something in return.

Maybe these people haven’t ever really failed, really experienced the anguish of something blowing up in their face, or maybe they are just so much stronger and believe the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”

The older I get the more cautious I get, to the point I am ruining possible relationships before they even begin and I annoy myself for it. Can I really put the blame on the men that have wronged me or is this totally my issue?

Another part of my problem is that I enjoy being single, an alien statement for those who don’t feel whole without someone on their arm, but I’ve learnt to stand on my own two feet, have fun and not have to worry about all those sticky ‘feeling’ issues. I am aware that it’s not healthy to remain (and I hate this term) ‘alone’ for the rest of my days but how do you break the cycle of cut and run when it looks like it could be a goer?

I very much know I need to work on it and also know I am definitely not a one man band when it comes to this issue. Lots of people my age are suffering from the same affliction; the inability to jump in with both feet and not concern myself with the consequences.

My theory is when I find someone that’s prepared to work me through this, warts ‘n’ all, I will then begin to change my mind set, I honestly don’t think it’s something we can do by ourselves. It’s discovering that person who’s willing to take on an emotional retard though, because I have to say I’ve been confronted with the prospect of taking on someone that had issues before and I’ve given it a whirl but now I prefer to just leg it in the other direction.

So I guess what I, and so many other people need, is someone that has their shit together, that isn’t afraid of saying it like it is, who’s prepared to bring me out of myself but is there anyone that isn’t twisted? I ruddy hope so. And I do honestly believe there is, because I’ve pushed many of them away before as I’ve not been ready to accept that.

Can people that class themselves as emotional retards recover and go on to lead a happy, contented and drama free life? In short, yes, but the first step is admitting you have the problem, second step is to find someone that can understand the problem and third step is to work on it, together.

You can remove the clamp, turn off the mute button and put yourself out there.

Don’t just be jealous of people that have the enviable ability to wear their heart on their sleeves, try to take a leaf out of their book and face your fears.

I am determined that in 2010 I am going to change, give up my friend that has kept me protected and cut loose.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What’s the worse that could happen? Keeping Kleennex in business? We all need to do our part to keep the economy afloat after all...

Knowing when enough is enough...

I have always been brought up to try, try and try again until I get something right. In my career this of course is valuable advice but in my dating life it can sometimes become chokingly toxic.

When you’re fully submersed into a situation it can be so hard to see the wood for the trees and when you’ve invested time, emotions and your hopes into a relationship and into another person it can be almost impossible to know when to back off.

Luckily I can report this becomes easier, well not easier but more apparent, as you grow older. Many of my friends are also guilty of hanging on to the vain belief that things will improve and to the detriment of their own sanity.

So how do we know that we’re not getting everything we deserve? Of course relationships are hard work, you need to deal with compromises, we have to take stock of the others failings and figure out if we are able to accept them and work around them but when do we draw the line before we can no longer be true to ourselves?

When you’re in the new flush of a relationship and realise that you aren’t a good fit it can be all too easy to back off and walk away but what happens when you’re 6 months or 6 years in and the cracks have become craters that can no longer be patched up? If you’re still “young” in society’s (and the biological clock’s) eyes then it’s not the end of the world to jack it in and start again, it’s not quite so simple when you’re approaching the age when we’re are programmed to need to be in a partnership.

As my dating life has been littered with the wrong choices I’ve had to often face up to the reality that things aren’t giving me everything I should be entitled to but this has always been a thing that I’ve found tricky to notice. Maybe this is due to my own self doubts, what I believe I am deserving of and I’ve had to train myself not to settle for being treated as an after thought. Not a simple task by any means...

When you’ve had dating disasters and partners have made you feel less of a person by the end of it and taken you for everything you can possibly give, the shadow that is left afterwards can eclipse who you really can be. This is when a severe kick up the arse is required. You will need to call on your friends to boost your confidence in yourself and your decisions. You need to resist that nagging self doubt that you brought this on, that you asked for this to happen, because you didn’t.

A relationship ends, you are left feeling deflated and down trodden and it can take weeks, months or even years to be able to fully give yourself to someone again and by middle age you know these facts all too well. So does this mean that we can hang on to that toxic and flawed partnership just so we don’t have to face the truth? Yes, this is exactly why so many of us stay in something we know is bringing us out in metaphorical hives.

It does take great strength to utter the words “I’m done” but believe me once you manage to let that phrase leave your mouth the feeling of relief is enough to set you on the road to recovery. Like an epiphany you’ve been waiting for, clarity will come.

There are masses of factors that will determine how long it will take you to realise this person isn’t for you, that you’re not getting everything you deserve and that you need to draw a line under it. For stronger characters it can only take one or two warning signs, for those of us that want to believe things can be worked at to fix them it might take considerably longer but whatever type of person you are ignore that desire to be true to your relationship and for once be honest with yourself. You are amazing, there is someone out there that will also know you’re amazing and not make you feel like shit. You absolutely must continue to believe this.

Looking within yourself and stripping apart your feelings by giving yourself an emotional autopsy is painful, don’t get me wrong. With this pain comes strength and we must all remember, even those in happy and contented relationships, that when all is said and done, we only have ourselves to stand by.

The self destruct button...

The bane of my dating life. An itch that I can’t seem to avoid scratching sometimes or maybe I’m just a rebel at heart and know I shouldn’t do it therefore I just can’t stop myself!

If you are one of the fortunate and illusive people that don’t have this affliction then I envy you and will explain to you the torturous nature of this dreaded dating disease. A lot of it stems down to a belief that things can never be easy, due to them having been difficult in the past, so those of us that suffer with this seem to need to cause a drama before we have drama thrown upon us.

Usually this will occur around the six month milestone but in some extreme cases it can happened much sooner. It comes in several forms, let’s list them.

1. Verbal faux pas; this is when you don’t engage brain before opening your port hole.

2. Physical gaffe; you either do something that causes swords to be drawn, your body language becomes cold or you throw a TV remote at them.

3. Nit picking; They seem perfect but they can’t be surely, you turn into a private investigator to discover their faults when there probably aren’t any. Failing to find some, you turn to making them up.

4. I’m a wally; You doubt their motives for being with you, you can’t possibly deserve to have someone this nice interested so they must be after - A. Your Money. B. Your Car. C. Your best mate. D. Your Soul. E. Your cat, contents of your fridge and Nintendo Wii. F. All of the above.

5. Loss of decorum; Something happens, let’s say they do something that’s slightly embarrassing for them. You forget yourself and either laugh so hard you pee, call them names, forget to prevent a look of horror / disgust descending across your face or worst of all, tell everyone.


Unfortunately all of the above are down to your own self confidence which is incredibly hard, no matter what all those self help books / websites / blogs tell you, to change but if you are honest and open with your new partner about the concerns of your short comings then they can help you address them. Now I am not saying that you should come across self loathing and say “I’ve got a really bad track record, I’ve done this, this, that, them” because that’s one way to set them running quickly in the other direction.

As I’ve said in other blogs having the “ex chat” should try to be avoided if at all possible, I see no positive aspect about going into great detail when it comes to your previous bad decisions and actions but what might need to be eventually mentioned is your reasoning behind doing whatever you did.

By this I mean if you don’t want to rush into things because you’re scared you might ruin it suggest you take things slowly. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take things a step at a time if this is going to help you gain confidence in yourself and your date. If they really like you then they’ll be prepared to take it at a pace you are comfortable with.

You do need to do the most daunting thing of all though, look inwardly. Not realising why you’ve hit the self destruct button in the past will only cause you to hover your finger over it again. It’s not a simple task of course but the best way to get to the root of your problems is talking about it with someone you trust, but not your partner, for now anyway. Turn to your close friends and face your fears, I’m willing to bet on the fact they’ll also echo what you are saying most of the time.

One thing you definitely shouldn’t do though is hide away from getting involved with someone just because of what has happened in the past. Everyone is different and just because your last relationship ended badly does not mean a new one will too. From each experience we gain knowledge and we must do the most obvious thing and learn from it. To do this we need to open our eyes to it.

So take off your goggles and have a ruddy good look, what you see won’t be half as horrific as you imagine it will be, I promise.