We’re all going on a summer holiday.

Firstly I better sincerely apologise for my lack of content over the last month, I’ve been on holiday and been struck down by an almighty stomach bug which I won’t give you the details of but put it this way; those 3lbs I put on whilst on holiday, gone.

I went to the Dominican Republic for my sunshine retreat, a tropical paradise I was lead to believe. This jaunt was to celebrate my mother’s 65th birthday so we thought somewhere to sunbathe, get spa treatments and just eat would do nicely. If you’ve ever been on holiday with a parent as you approach your 30’s and you’re single you will know what this can lead to; couple envy.

Where ever you pick to go away, doesn’t matter if it’s a beach holiday or a winter break you can guarantee that lovey dovey couples will be everywhere, shoving their bonking bliss in your face and this will plummet you into either pining after a lost love or have you scoping out for any other single that might be cute enough after a few cocktails.

Even when you go with a friend for example I will bet my last Rolo on the fact you’ll spend most of the time talking about your dirty rotten ex or that guy you simply must pursue on your return to Blighty. Being away with a parent is worse though, especially a mother, even more so mine.

I’m pretty honest with mine about my love life, I don’t go into the intimate details but she knows who’s featuring at the moment and what I feel about things that are happening. This however does not stop her suggesting I find someone suitable (less hard work) to settle down with. She has a very good memory when it comes to the men who have shown interest in me, a few have ticked the “would make a great son-in-law” box and she takes great pleasure in reminding me of these gents when things aren’t going to plan.

Unfortunately even though these “perfect” men aren’t for me, much to the disappointment of my dear Mama, when one texts me, who I haven’t heard from in months, whilst on my barren holiday for a nano second I am entertaining the idea of giving it another go... That’s what holidays do to me, turn me into a desperado.

You’re enjoying a beautiful walk down a breath taking bay just as the sun is rising, you should be thinking about the scenery, the wonders of nature but you’re not. You’re thinking; “I wish so-n-so was here”

It didn’t help that on this holiday for the first four days it fricking pissed it down and I was stuck playing cards and dominos inside for what seemed like eternity. Far too much time to think which led to far too many ridiculous thoughts and notions whirling around in my already vivid imagination. Are holidays a good idea when you are single? Of course the single girl and guy are 100% entitled to a holiday but when you reach a certain age where a boozy trip with 20 of your mates is no longer an option, mostly because half of them now have sprogs, is it a good idea to inflict this on yourself? Does it help or hinder?

I have had holidays where it’s been great to get away from certain situations in my life but I’ve also had others where being away from it has made it much, much worse. Beach holidays are the main culprit here. If you are on an adventure break with so many things to do and you don’t have time to think, you’re onto a winner. If you’re lounging around listening to Zero 7 then you’ve bagged yourself a one-way ticket to living hell.

The Dominican Republic is absolutely not a place for singles. In the resort we stayed in everyone was either on honeymoon, in the first blushes of romance, a 40 tonne heifer or gay. I was definitely thankful for the beautiful gay men at the end of it, something lovely to look at and wonderful company to bitch with. The heifers made me feel like a super model so they can come again but the ones that really pissed me off were the first blushes, one couple particularly.

The lady in question was your ultimate try hard, she was seriously over doing the attempt to be sexy and attentive thing. I had to restrain myself from going over and giving her a piece of my mind, it was pitiful. Although by the second day of us finally getting sunshine I did become slightly schadenfreude at the fact she had managed to give herself third degree burns with a token white stripe down both sides where she’d forgotten to turn over properly. Not so sexy now biatch. They were obviously in the very early stages on their relationship where things are all amazing, you don’t know your partner has deep, dark secrets and is about to turn your world upside down and completely wreck your eternal emotional stability and forever render you in a vast void of questions, paranoia and insecurities.

Ahem.... shit. Excuse me, the stomach bug coupled with the fact I’ve not eaten in two days made that outburst happen. Resuming sane behaviour... now.

My point is; when you are single and on holiday, surrounded by couples you can’t resist but to pick apart and analyse their body language, what type of couple you think they are and whether they will last. Well, you do if your single and female anyway.

Holidays aren’t meant to be depressing so if you are sans partner and intending a trip away with someone who might have the ability to push you into a cloud of self analysis, stay away from the quiet beach break. Go for a city break, they are much safer. You’re much more likely to find people that will interest and entertain you and it’s not so hard to escape the smoochy poochy pairs that you want to pour a pint of ice water over.

Best places I’ve been where thoughts of unrequited love have rarely entered my head; NYC, Vegas, Rome, Dublin, Miami, Madrid, Amsterdam and Key West. I spent far too much time sight seeing, shopping, eating and generally exploring to give a damn about the drama I’d left at home.

Take my advice, unless you’re young enough to get insanely out of it on the White Isle with 50 people you hardly know and come home not remembering a thing put the “Beach Break” brochure down and stick to the notion that you’re going on holiday for culture and not to spend it on a sun lounger, throwing yourself into a depression greater than 1926 and thinking of plots to rid the world of happy people.

Buy a map, a comfy pair of walking shoes and bloody well get moving. Stay still and you’ll go bonkers.

Oh, one more thing. Pack a mac, dominos wears thin after about 30 minutes.

NEXT!

So it’s all gone a bit arse up, your love interest has turned out to be another toad or maybe your facing the unenviable situation of unrequited love, for whatever the reason you have been plunged into the dark hole of “what now?”

It is all too easy to stew over situations like this and depending on your personality, and often sex, you will no doubt go in two different directions; 1 - Feel an urge to trawl through every up and down of the last few weeks/months or 2 - Get really pissed, flirt with someone else and move directly past GO, collect £200 and wang it on something completely inappropriate. I am an utter and fully fledged fan of option two.

In years gone by when I was younger, stupid and self deprecating I’d spend ages wondering what went wrong, the “why me? what’s wrong with me?” questions would fire through my brain cells and torment me, usually when I was trying to sleep, until I became utterly insane. Then one day, after a particularly sticky break up with an ex, I stamped my foot, thought “*&^% this” and went out. The night consisted of vodka, cosmopolitans, my mates, loads of laughs and a particularly hot guy I knew. I can safely say this equation totted up to be the best remedy I could hope for!

Of course not everyone has the nonchalant attitude I have spent years perfecting so I am not telling you to dramatically change your ways, what I am saying is to try to put your best foot forward and get on with living your life.

Driving yourself potty with questions such as “why aren’t they texting me?”, “why did they say that?”, “what did I do wrong?” “am I not attractive enough?” STTTOOPPPP!!! Don’t do it to yourself! You will probably never know the truth as to why it hasn’t worked out with someone so there is zero point torturing yourself for hours with questions you just can’t get answers to!

Back to what I do; firstly I begin with “their loss”, this is a great thing to say to yourself. You know you’re great, say it. You’ve got a great arse/legs/eyes/personality, whatever you love about you, say it to yourself. Then begin with the points you didn’t like about them, the reasons you actually know why you weren’t a great match, repeat to yourself several times. Do not pontificate about the things they were amazing at, it is completely useless and often we have a habit after a break up of longing for someone and turning them into someone they never were, a martyr and ourselves into a lowly non-worthy trog.

The next step is to enjoy life. Organise nights out with your friends, get in touch with that person you know has a soft spot for you, pamper yourself, have a laugh and most importantly do not look back! Your new love interest is only a short distance away I’d bet, but only if you remain positive, you won’t bag anyone with your bottom lip dragging along the floor behind you.

Why, we as humans, have an innate need to make ourselves feel awful is beyond me, but it is there in Technicolor! We must do our very best to suppress the negative and focus on the positive. So this one didn’t work out, so what? Now you get to have fun finding the next, being single isn’t bad, in fact if you do it right it’s bloody good fun.

Remember too, the time we spend in singledom only complements the time we spend in relationships. Enjoy both, do not feel you are less of a person because something didn’t work out, you aren’t. It was just a lesson to be learnt, you made your notes and now move on.

NEXT!